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March 27, 2022
Modern Masters
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Merely once, a couple of years ago, I Googled MasterClass online classes because I heard James Patterson was going to teach writing and I was hoping somehow, they’d bring Erma Bombeck back from the grave so I could actually learn how to be funny.
After that, those MasterClass people have visited my inbox, sometimes with exciting new teachers and other times with a two-for-one deal. I’m tired of it so the other day I decided to sign up or just unsubscribe them for eternity.
That led me to a search of all their “incredible” teachers and “fantastic” classes that were worth over 20 bucks a month. And I found some real weird stuff.
First off, they assume that I know all of their fabulous celebrities. But no, I’ve never heard of Dominque Crenn, Michael Twitty, (though he might be a comedy writer) and Mathew Walker. But, then again, most weeks I’m not really sure who the host of Saturday Night Live is. To say I’m passed the age of hip is an understatement.
So, if you’re not as hip as you used to be, let’s explore some of their exciting classes together, shall we?
Modern Vegetable Cooking with Dominque Crenn
Really? There are modern vegetables now? Are those the ones in H-E-B that I look at and go, “I wonder what that thing is and how you cook it?” Or maybe it’s those watermelon radishes that I have never seen in a grocery store. They must come from another country. And do modern vegetables taste different than the old-fashioned ones? You know: squash, zucchini, asparagus and okra. If I can’t grow it, I’m not interested.
Become a Streamer with Ninja
Ninja is a person? Is this Karate Streaming? Where you “chop” the cable in half? I was a bit interested because I thought, “Finally! Somebody’s doing to teach me to stream so I can have a world of Law & Order episodes in the palm of my hand. But, no, there’s no class for what I need. This is how to BE a streamer. I can only assume that’s something akin to being an influencer. They make lots of money endorsing dumb stuff for 15-year-olds. Pass.
Tracing Your Roots Through Food with Michael Twitty
Hey, Mike, I know my roots. I’m part Irish so I always cook Corned Beef and Cabbage on St. Patrick’s Day, I’m five percent Ashkenazi Jew (I don’t even know what that is) and I do enjoy a New York Style Bagel on occasion, and I’m very much British. I don’t cook anything British because Shepard’s Pie and Figgy Pudding aren’t my cup of tea.
Songwriting and Production with Mariah Carey
Really? Mariah’s most requested song is “Santa Baby,” and she didn’t even write it plus her version isn’t the original anyway. That song’s been done by everybody. Just ask Pandora’s Greatest Christmas Hits.
But my favorite of all is:
Self-Expression and Authenticity with RuPaul
Heck, even I know who RuPaul is. I’m just not sure what he is. Anyway, this is probably a good class because if anyone has Self-Expression down, this would be your guy. Er, girl. Whatever.
Nope all I want is to learn how to make really funny videos like Randy Rainbow, how to become a Comedy Writer on SNL even if I don’t know who the host is and a one-on-one weekend with the Queen of Comedy herself, Erma Bombeck who’s preface to her book simply said, “This isn’t a book. It’s a group therapy session.” Wonder if MasterClass offers that?
After that, those MasterClass people have visited my inbox, sometimes with exciting new teachers and other times with a two-for-one deal. I’m tired of it so the other day I decided to sign up or just unsubscribe them for eternity.
That led me to a search of all their “incredible” teachers and “fantastic” classes that were worth over 20 bucks a month. And I found some real weird stuff.
First off, they assume that I know all of their fabulous celebrities. But no, I’ve never heard of Dominque Crenn, Michael Twitty, (though he might be a comedy writer) and Mathew Walker. But, then again, most weeks I’m not really sure who the host of Saturday Night Live is. To say I’m passed the age of hip is an understatement.
So, if you’re not as hip as you used to be, let’s explore some of their exciting classes together, shall we?
Modern Vegetable Cooking with Dominque Crenn
Really? There are modern vegetables now? Are those the ones in H-E-B that I look at and go, “I wonder what that thing is and how you cook it?” Or maybe it’s those watermelon radishes that I have never seen in a grocery store. They must come from another country. And do modern vegetables taste different than the old-fashioned ones? You know: squash, zucchini, asparagus and okra. If I can’t grow it, I’m not interested.
Become a Streamer with Ninja
Ninja is a person? Is this Karate Streaming? Where you “chop” the cable in half? I was a bit interested because I thought, “Finally! Somebody’s doing to teach me to stream so I can have a world of Law & Order episodes in the palm of my hand. But, no, there’s no class for what I need. This is how to BE a streamer. I can only assume that’s something akin to being an influencer. They make lots of money endorsing dumb stuff for 15-year-olds. Pass.
Tracing Your Roots Through Food with Michael Twitty
Hey, Mike, I know my roots. I’m part Irish so I always cook Corned Beef and Cabbage on St. Patrick’s Day, I’m five percent Ashkenazi Jew (I don’t even know what that is) and I do enjoy a New York Style Bagel on occasion, and I’m very much British. I don’t cook anything British because Shepard’s Pie and Figgy Pudding aren’t my cup of tea.
Songwriting and Production with Mariah Carey
Really? Mariah’s most requested song is “Santa Baby,” and she didn’t even write it plus her version isn’t the original anyway. That song’s been done by everybody. Just ask Pandora’s Greatest Christmas Hits.
But my favorite of all is:
Self-Expression and Authenticity with RuPaul
Heck, even I know who RuPaul is. I’m just not sure what he is. Anyway, this is probably a good class because if anyone has Self-Expression down, this would be your guy. Er, girl. Whatever.
Nope all I want is to learn how to make really funny videos like Randy Rainbow, how to become a Comedy Writer on SNL even if I don’t know who the host is and a one-on-one weekend with the Queen of Comedy herself, Erma Bombeck who’s preface to her book simply said, “This isn’t a book. It’s a group therapy session.” Wonder if MasterClass offers that?