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April 8, 2022
Ah, so 0077
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
On occasion, my office buddies and I order in for lunch. We like Chinese from time to time, so we always get the obligatory fortune cookie with our meals. And Dude, I don’t know what they’re smoking at the factory in New Jersey, but I want some.
These are the weirdest fortunes I’ve ever gotten. I think something must have gotten lost in the translation. I’ve been saving my favorite fortunes in my desk just to discuss with you. Let’s see what the fortune holds.
“To have a friend, be a friend.”
Really? I learned that when I was three, long before I knew what Chinese food was.
“The boss doesn’t take sides; same as your spouse.”
What is this, a curse? I spent the rest of the day worrying that the boss was going to come in and fire me and I hit the wine at home before My Future Husband could utter a word.
“Our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks.”
What? Is my house on fire? Why would that make me glad? There’s a burn ban everywhere.
“Keep your plans secret for now.”
Now this one interests me. Secret Plans? Am I going to get to be a secret agent? Or maybe I’m planning to overthrow a pasture with horses in it. No wait, they eat way too much and are expensive. I like the secret agent better. Lots of international travel.
“Courtesy pays.”
Again, I learned that when I was three. If I was nice to adults, they would give me a cookie and tell me to go play. Worked every time.
“Optimists believe we live in the best of worlds and pessimists fear this is true.”
Actually, this one is pretty funny. Sounds like something Mark Twain probably said. I know I always like my wine glass half full.
But the most terrifying of all:
“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
And aren’t I sitting here just eating a fortune cookie? Is this you being passive/aggressive? You better watch it. I’m a secret agent, you know.
Interestingly, when I was lunching in Llano at the Chinese restaurant (yes, I know it sounds like a country western song) a few years back, I ended up with a fortune cookie that had no fortune inside. I freaked! All I could think was this was my last day on earth because there finally was nothing fortunate left for me.
So, I bounded up to the counter and said to the manager, “Say. There’s no fortune in my cookie! Does that mean I’ll be dead before cocktail hour?”
He looked at me very seriously, turned and pointed to a giant box of fortune cookies back in the kitchen. Then his announced, “See this big box of fortune cookies? Yours was the only one without a fortune in it! That makes you most fortunate of all.”
Secret agents always win.
These are the weirdest fortunes I’ve ever gotten. I think something must have gotten lost in the translation. I’ve been saving my favorite fortunes in my desk just to discuss with you. Let’s see what the fortune holds.
“To have a friend, be a friend.”
Really? I learned that when I was three, long before I knew what Chinese food was.
“The boss doesn’t take sides; same as your spouse.”
What is this, a curse? I spent the rest of the day worrying that the boss was going to come in and fire me and I hit the wine at home before My Future Husband could utter a word.
“Our brightest blazes of gladness are commonly kindled by unexpected sparks.”
What? Is my house on fire? Why would that make me glad? There’s a burn ban everywhere.
“Keep your plans secret for now.”
Now this one interests me. Secret Plans? Am I going to get to be a secret agent? Or maybe I’m planning to overthrow a pasture with horses in it. No wait, they eat way too much and are expensive. I like the secret agent better. Lots of international travel.
“Courtesy pays.”
Again, I learned that when I was three. If I was nice to adults, they would give me a cookie and tell me to go play. Worked every time.
“Optimists believe we live in the best of worlds and pessimists fear this is true.”
Actually, this one is pretty funny. Sounds like something Mark Twain probably said. I know I always like my wine glass half full.
But the most terrifying of all:
“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
And aren’t I sitting here just eating a fortune cookie? Is this you being passive/aggressive? You better watch it. I’m a secret agent, you know.
Interestingly, when I was lunching in Llano at the Chinese restaurant (yes, I know it sounds like a country western song) a few years back, I ended up with a fortune cookie that had no fortune inside. I freaked! All I could think was this was my last day on earth because there finally was nothing fortunate left for me.
So, I bounded up to the counter and said to the manager, “Say. There’s no fortune in my cookie! Does that mean I’ll be dead before cocktail hour?”
He looked at me very seriously, turned and pointed to a giant box of fortune cookies back in the kitchen. Then his announced, “See this big box of fortune cookies? Yours was the only one without a fortune in it! That makes you most fortunate of all.”
Secret agents always win.