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May 14, 2022
Six Flags for Old People
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
I try to keep my columns funny and light. No politics, no religion, no health issues. Unless one gets really funny; then I laugh at hard times right in the face. So here we go and it’s going to be rehab of a ride.
My Future Husband has been going through enough health problems of late for me to write a book entitled, “REHAB. This Book can be Used as a Weapon.” But that’s another story, er, book.
The other day we had to go to the Veteran’s Hospital for several of appointments. MFH was in the Navy (Hello, Sailor) so he gets free health care for the rest of his life. I’ve always been a fan of the VA as Dearly Demented Mom also served but she was in the far superior Army. Simmer, down, y’all.
My sailor gets free meds (yes, even those), free shots and never has to pay for a blood draw. He’s such a tough cookie he even got his vaccine booster in one arm and his flu shot in the other arm at the same time. I’d have been in bed for a week, so I asked him how it didn’t bother him at all. He looked me square in the eye and said, “Honey, in the service they give you seven shots at a time with vaccines for things like Bora Bora disease. After that, you can pretty well survive cooking from a foreign land or anything else.”
But back to Six Flags for Old Folks. I’ve decided that’s what a day at the VA is like. You check in, get your magic ticket and head straight to give blood and urine at the Aquaman Power Wave Lab ride right inside the park. Then off to the next adventure – seeing the Magician – your doctor! The Dr. Freeze Reverse Blast fun ride includes a free blood pressure check once you get seated and plenty of fun questions to answer. Once the ride is over, the doctor sends you on to your next amazing ride – the Telemedicine Tumbler Express!
At this fun ride you get to sit in a comfy chair with bright lights shining down on you and you get to have your picture taken! Maybe I should clarify – a nice lady who takes closeups snaps photos of all the weird bumps on your lovely, sunbaked skin. Of course, photos will be for sale, and they make great family Christmas cards!
Then you’ll climb to the top of the next ride – the Prosthetics Sky Screamer! This one makes your fiancé scream because you have demanded a shiny new cane. And she’s afraid you’ll fall down off the ride. Luckily, they have training for this ride which includes how to hit your wife over the head with said cane.
Finally, the last ride of the day – the Urology Twisted Colossus. This unique ride comes complete with a tiny camera that, well, you’d just have to do the ride. Oh, and women really aren’t allowed on this one.
Yes, after a day at Six Flags for Old People, you’re just as worn out as if you’d actually taken a five-year-old to Disney World. Only this park doesn’t have that Disney Magic. It’s much more of a patch-patch-patch place. So off you head to your bed after a fun day of hospital magic.
Well, at least the rides were free, and I’ve got the cane hidden. And the knives are sharpened.
My Future Husband has been going through enough health problems of late for me to write a book entitled, “REHAB. This Book can be Used as a Weapon.” But that’s another story, er, book.
The other day we had to go to the Veteran’s Hospital for several of appointments. MFH was in the Navy (Hello, Sailor) so he gets free health care for the rest of his life. I’ve always been a fan of the VA as Dearly Demented Mom also served but she was in the far superior Army. Simmer, down, y’all.
My sailor gets free meds (yes, even those), free shots and never has to pay for a blood draw. He’s such a tough cookie he even got his vaccine booster in one arm and his flu shot in the other arm at the same time. I’d have been in bed for a week, so I asked him how it didn’t bother him at all. He looked me square in the eye and said, “Honey, in the service they give you seven shots at a time with vaccines for things like Bora Bora disease. After that, you can pretty well survive cooking from a foreign land or anything else.”
But back to Six Flags for Old Folks. I’ve decided that’s what a day at the VA is like. You check in, get your magic ticket and head straight to give blood and urine at the Aquaman Power Wave Lab ride right inside the park. Then off to the next adventure – seeing the Magician – your doctor! The Dr. Freeze Reverse Blast fun ride includes a free blood pressure check once you get seated and plenty of fun questions to answer. Once the ride is over, the doctor sends you on to your next amazing ride – the Telemedicine Tumbler Express!
At this fun ride you get to sit in a comfy chair with bright lights shining down on you and you get to have your picture taken! Maybe I should clarify – a nice lady who takes closeups snaps photos of all the weird bumps on your lovely, sunbaked skin. Of course, photos will be for sale, and they make great family Christmas cards!
Then you’ll climb to the top of the next ride – the Prosthetics Sky Screamer! This one makes your fiancé scream because you have demanded a shiny new cane. And she’s afraid you’ll fall down off the ride. Luckily, they have training for this ride which includes how to hit your wife over the head with said cane.
Finally, the last ride of the day – the Urology Twisted Colossus. This unique ride comes complete with a tiny camera that, well, you’d just have to do the ride. Oh, and women really aren’t allowed on this one.
Yes, after a day at Six Flags for Old People, you’re just as worn out as if you’d actually taken a five-year-old to Disney World. Only this park doesn’t have that Disney Magic. It’s much more of a patch-patch-patch place. So off you head to your bed after a fun day of hospital magic.
Well, at least the rides were free, and I’ve got the cane hidden. And the knives are sharpened.