Download & Print
July 28, 2022
Things I Don't Do Anymore
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
I was watching a commercial the other day where a woman was painting her living room walls. I said, “Look at her go! Luckily, I don’t do that anymore.” So that got me to thinking, what other things don’t I do anymore?
Hike
The last hike I took was in eighth grade with my Girl Scout troop. If I tried to today, I’m pretty sure I’d become a Silver Alert – the gray headed lady is lost in the Hills because she thought she could still hike.
Diet
I did this on and off for 40 years. I give up.
Make New Year’s Resolutions
Again, pointless. Why feel like a failure once again?
Desire Fine Jewelry
My hands look so old, I figure a nice big shiny diamond would add another 20 years to how my hands look. And, ladies, have you checked out your knees in the mirror lately? If you haven’t, guess what – knees can droop, too.
Wear a Bra
Only unless forced to – like at work. I guess it’s why we don’t go out to dinner anymore.
Go out to Dinner
First off, I have to wear a bra. Then there was the Covid lock down which taught us to just stay home, and never forget the evil deer. They are always trying to commit suicide by using my car as their weapon of choice.
Take Half an Hour to Put on My Makeup
It won’t change anything so now I can slap on my face in less than three minutes flat. My eyelids are too crinkly to use eyeliner anymore, and if I use rouge, I look like a rodeo clown.
Wear Heels
Ok, well, I can still wobble around in a one-inch heel if I must (just like that pesky bra) but walking on caliche in heels is a gamble I’m just not willing to take.
Eat White Bread
Okay, that’s a lie.
Leave a Man Behind
I think animals adopt you. Sadie was a rescue that we adopted, and I found a crying Rod kitten when he was a mere 5 weeks old. At my age, I’d hope someone will be as nice to me when I go nuts and the Hiking Silver Alert hits your phone.
Pull Weeds
I quit when they started laughing at me out here in the hills. At least that’s the one good thing about this heatwave. Even the weeds have given up.
Drink Tequila
I’ll tell you my story if you tell me yours.
Go to the Mall
Man, in my 30s, I was hell on wheels at the Giant Mall. I knew the secret parking spot where I could get in and out in record time. Of course, once inside the Mall, time stood still. For hours. I guess I just don’t have enough energy to try on that many clothes anymore.
Change a Tire
And I never will. Still a Rubber Rebel.
Wear that One Christmas Outfit Every Year
I’ve seen one too many cutesy, albeit old, Christmas Sweaters in my time. And how many years can you wear one outfit again and again? I’m pretty sure Santa is snickering behind my back.
Quit Writing My Column
I’ll never quit because it’s the only thing that makes me appear half sane. Then again, maybe not. And of course, when writing, I always wear my bra…
Hike
The last hike I took was in eighth grade with my Girl Scout troop. If I tried to today, I’m pretty sure I’d become a Silver Alert – the gray headed lady is lost in the Hills because she thought she could still hike.
Diet
I did this on and off for 40 years. I give up.
Make New Year’s Resolutions
Again, pointless. Why feel like a failure once again?
Desire Fine Jewelry
My hands look so old, I figure a nice big shiny diamond would add another 20 years to how my hands look. And, ladies, have you checked out your knees in the mirror lately? If you haven’t, guess what – knees can droop, too.
Wear a Bra
Only unless forced to – like at work. I guess it’s why we don’t go out to dinner anymore.
Go out to Dinner
First off, I have to wear a bra. Then there was the Covid lock down which taught us to just stay home, and never forget the evil deer. They are always trying to commit suicide by using my car as their weapon of choice.
Take Half an Hour to Put on My Makeup
It won’t change anything so now I can slap on my face in less than three minutes flat. My eyelids are too crinkly to use eyeliner anymore, and if I use rouge, I look like a rodeo clown.
Wear Heels
Ok, well, I can still wobble around in a one-inch heel if I must (just like that pesky bra) but walking on caliche in heels is a gamble I’m just not willing to take.
Eat White Bread
Okay, that’s a lie.
Leave a Man Behind
I think animals adopt you. Sadie was a rescue that we adopted, and I found a crying Rod kitten when he was a mere 5 weeks old. At my age, I’d hope someone will be as nice to me when I go nuts and the Hiking Silver Alert hits your phone.
Pull Weeds
I quit when they started laughing at me out here in the hills. At least that’s the one good thing about this heatwave. Even the weeds have given up.
Drink Tequila
I’ll tell you my story if you tell me yours.
Go to the Mall
Man, in my 30s, I was hell on wheels at the Giant Mall. I knew the secret parking spot where I could get in and out in record time. Of course, once inside the Mall, time stood still. For hours. I guess I just don’t have enough energy to try on that many clothes anymore.
Change a Tire
And I never will. Still a Rubber Rebel.
Wear that One Christmas Outfit Every Year
I’ve seen one too many cutesy, albeit old, Christmas Sweaters in my time. And how many years can you wear one outfit again and again? I’m pretty sure Santa is snickering behind my back.
Quit Writing My Column
I’ll never quit because it’s the only thing that makes me appear half sane. Then again, maybe not. And of course, when writing, I always wear my bra…