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August 18, 2022
Haphazard Head Ramblings
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Occasionally, I post my Random Thoughts. But since I’m in sugar, carbohydrate, alcohol and fun withdrawal from the Diet from Hell, I can’t even write an entire paragraph without having to take a nap. Hence, something new! Let’s use my Haphazard Head Ramblings, shall we?
In my office cabin (officially called The Hilarious Headquarters), I have a little metal lunchbox with a sign taped on the top that says, “I create it.” It’s where I store bits and pieces of humor I’ve jotted down. Normally, one of these simple ideas is all I need to come up with a column. Just not right now.
So today, let’s take a look into that Laugh-a-Minute Lunch Box, shall we?
This is the title of a book I want to write:
“The Ladies of Volunteerville
A handy guide to volunteering
(by the way, you can use this book as a weapon)”
I had a bad experience with a bunch of volunteers once and it left a scar.
“The last DNA on my trailer hitch is his.”
Must have been when I was still dating…
“Life is so good around here; I don’t even need pie anymore!”
Dang, that must have been a really good day.
“I laughed so hard I lost weight.”
I plan to add that to my exercise routine today.
A Mini Dearly Demented Mom Story
DDM’s back to the hot dog stage. She loves them. So, I decided to go outside and grill her up a whole package of dogs. When I came back inside and presented her with two grilled hotdogs, she was so excited she yelled, “Oh Boy! 2 boiled frankfurters!” At least I tried.
“Medina Mikie’s Mobile Wine Porch and Rolling Reading Room”
I can only assume I was thinking of bringing a case of wine to a particularly frumpy book club.
“How to make $100,000 a year with just a Bluetooth and an imagination”
Man, this must be old. Today, an influencer makes $1,000,000 with a phone and Klieg Lights. Think I’ll stick with my column because I don’t want you to see that I look funny, too.
Just some words of wisdom:
“An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.” I don’t know. I’ve grown some pretty funny, pornographic vegetables. Those kinds of vegetables know which garden welcomes them.
Another classic from Dearly Demented Mom probably in reference to one of her made up husbands:
“I can’t remember him real well, but I can remember he was real good.”
I think I stole this one from TV
“Let me shake your hand.”
“That’s not what I wanted you to shake.”
Martha Stuart’s Holiday Calendar:
“December 4:
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.”
I know I shouldn’t, but I’ve got to steal one from Dave Barry:
“We are heading toward a day when, thanks to genetics, the entire human race will be completely freed of defects – a day when everybody, and not just the fortunate few, will be a professional humor columnist.”
Dave, I’m afraid that’ll put us both out of work.
I sure hope my body stops feeling so funny, so my humorous head can take back over.
In my office cabin (officially called The Hilarious Headquarters), I have a little metal lunchbox with a sign taped on the top that says, “I create it.” It’s where I store bits and pieces of humor I’ve jotted down. Normally, one of these simple ideas is all I need to come up with a column. Just not right now.
So today, let’s take a look into that Laugh-a-Minute Lunch Box, shall we?
This is the title of a book I want to write:
“The Ladies of Volunteerville
A handy guide to volunteering
(by the way, you can use this book as a weapon)”
I had a bad experience with a bunch of volunteers once and it left a scar.
“The last DNA on my trailer hitch is his.”
Must have been when I was still dating…
“Life is so good around here; I don’t even need pie anymore!”
Dang, that must have been a really good day.
“I laughed so hard I lost weight.”
I plan to add that to my exercise routine today.
A Mini Dearly Demented Mom Story
DDM’s back to the hot dog stage. She loves them. So, I decided to go outside and grill her up a whole package of dogs. When I came back inside and presented her with two grilled hotdogs, she was so excited she yelled, “Oh Boy! 2 boiled frankfurters!” At least I tried.
“Medina Mikie’s Mobile Wine Porch and Rolling Reading Room”
I can only assume I was thinking of bringing a case of wine to a particularly frumpy book club.
“How to make $100,000 a year with just a Bluetooth and an imagination”
Man, this must be old. Today, an influencer makes $1,000,000 with a phone and Klieg Lights. Think I’ll stick with my column because I don’t want you to see that I look funny, too.
Just some words of wisdom:
“An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.” I don’t know. I’ve grown some pretty funny, pornographic vegetables. Those kinds of vegetables know which garden welcomes them.
Another classic from Dearly Demented Mom probably in reference to one of her made up husbands:
“I can’t remember him real well, but I can remember he was real good.”
I think I stole this one from TV
“Let me shake your hand.”
“That’s not what I wanted you to shake.”
Martha Stuart’s Holiday Calendar:
“December 4:
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.”
I know I shouldn’t, but I’ve got to steal one from Dave Barry:
“We are heading toward a day when, thanks to genetics, the entire human race will be completely freed of defects – a day when everybody, and not just the fortunate few, will be a professional humor columnist.”
Dave, I’m afraid that’ll put us both out of work.
I sure hope my body stops feeling so funny, so my humorous head can take back over.