Download & Print
December 9, 2022
Must Have Christmas Gifts
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Some years, I’m way ahead on my Christmas. This is not one of those years. My Future Husband’s visit to the hospital, relatives in for four days for Thanksgiving, and work have left me way behind the Eight Ball this year. For those of you who are freaked like I am, I’ve come up with some great Christmas ideas. Well, maybe.
One of my office mates handed me an Oriental Trading Company brochure that claimed, “Thousands of Hot Buys to Up Your Stocking Game.” Boy are they confused. Let’s see what they have in mind.
3D Gingerbread House Craft Kit
It’s a gingerbread house. I guess they’re always “3D” but is that because everything else they sell is a flat cutout or do kids not know real from a screen? Anyway, it’s $19.99 and it’s the size of a Tiny House, gingerbread style. If you live in 200 square feet, this one’s for your family.
Child’s Deluxe Nativity Animal Costume Assortment (which is Exclusive)
I’m not quite sure what the costumes are supposed to be, but it looks like a cow, a bunny, a goat and maybe another cow. Plus, there’s an Angel Costume with Wings & Candle. I see a fire in your future.
Exclusive Dr. Suess Collection
105-plus Grinch Picks which include the classics: The Grinch Stand-Up, A Grinch Directional Sign, A Giant Jointed (sic) Dr. Suess Grinch Cutout, Grinch Magnets, and a Dr. Suess Christmas Tree Stand-Up. This fabulous assortment will only cost you $131.25. And then he’s coming to your house to your presents?
Pass the Ugly Sweater Card Game
Is this like Old Maid or Strip Poker?
But wait! How are you going to entertain your whole family after Christmas? No problem, these guys have a solution.
Bulk Winter Pencil Assortment
I didn’t know anyone used pencils anymore, but if you know someone who demands a pencil sharpener for Christmas, this one is for you. 144 pencils all printed in winter scenes that you can’t really see on a round pencil is only $27.99. And the erasers are in different winter colors, so you know they don’t work.
Hello 2023! Celebrate the New Year in Style
You don’t have to worry about style on New Year’s Eve because everyone is rather tipsy, so they don’t care. But if you want to throw a fabulous party after you take everyone’s keys away, here you go. The Opulent New Year’s Eve Party Kit for 300 (I’m way, way too old to have a party for 300) has 900 pieces including top hats, gold Happy New Year headbands, some noise makers (there’s always that one who wants to blow the horn all night long), sparkly necklaces and some popper thingies. Only $264.99 which is much cheaper than champagne for 300.
Your Wedding, Your Way
So, if you meet the perfect person on New Year’s Eve and you want to get married, no worries! These guys have your back. There’s Large Marble-Look (gag) Fluted Pillars which are, of course, Exclusive. There’s also the Song of Solomon Aisle Runner which says, “I have found the one whom my soul loves” which might sound like a curse if you’ve been married a long time. Finally, there’s the one I can’t figure out: White Personalized Sand Ceremony Hourglass at only $44.99. The only purpose I can figure for this is you are paying the minister by the minute because you want to keep him on track and save money.
Maybe I need to slap up the tree and start shopping. The White Personalized Sand Hourglass is running.
One of my office mates handed me an Oriental Trading Company brochure that claimed, “Thousands of Hot Buys to Up Your Stocking Game.” Boy are they confused. Let’s see what they have in mind.
3D Gingerbread House Craft Kit
It’s a gingerbread house. I guess they’re always “3D” but is that because everything else they sell is a flat cutout or do kids not know real from a screen? Anyway, it’s $19.99 and it’s the size of a Tiny House, gingerbread style. If you live in 200 square feet, this one’s for your family.
Child’s Deluxe Nativity Animal Costume Assortment (which is Exclusive)
I’m not quite sure what the costumes are supposed to be, but it looks like a cow, a bunny, a goat and maybe another cow. Plus, there’s an Angel Costume with Wings & Candle. I see a fire in your future.
Exclusive Dr. Suess Collection
105-plus Grinch Picks which include the classics: The Grinch Stand-Up, A Grinch Directional Sign, A Giant Jointed (sic) Dr. Suess Grinch Cutout, Grinch Magnets, and a Dr. Suess Christmas Tree Stand-Up. This fabulous assortment will only cost you $131.25. And then he’s coming to your house to your presents?
Pass the Ugly Sweater Card Game
Is this like Old Maid or Strip Poker?
But wait! How are you going to entertain your whole family after Christmas? No problem, these guys have a solution.
Bulk Winter Pencil Assortment
I didn’t know anyone used pencils anymore, but if you know someone who demands a pencil sharpener for Christmas, this one is for you. 144 pencils all printed in winter scenes that you can’t really see on a round pencil is only $27.99. And the erasers are in different winter colors, so you know they don’t work.
Hello 2023! Celebrate the New Year in Style
You don’t have to worry about style on New Year’s Eve because everyone is rather tipsy, so they don’t care. But if you want to throw a fabulous party after you take everyone’s keys away, here you go. The Opulent New Year’s Eve Party Kit for 300 (I’m way, way too old to have a party for 300) has 900 pieces including top hats, gold Happy New Year headbands, some noise makers (there’s always that one who wants to blow the horn all night long), sparkly necklaces and some popper thingies. Only $264.99 which is much cheaper than champagne for 300.
Your Wedding, Your Way
So, if you meet the perfect person on New Year’s Eve and you want to get married, no worries! These guys have your back. There’s Large Marble-Look (gag) Fluted Pillars which are, of course, Exclusive. There’s also the Song of Solomon Aisle Runner which says, “I have found the one whom my soul loves” which might sound like a curse if you’ve been married a long time. Finally, there’s the one I can’t figure out: White Personalized Sand Ceremony Hourglass at only $44.99. The only purpose I can figure for this is you are paying the minister by the minute because you want to keep him on track and save money.
Maybe I need to slap up the tree and start shopping. The White Personalized Sand Hourglass is running.