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September 7, 2023
Hot Random Thoughts
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
With the sweltering heat still in place, my brain’s been working overtime on Random Thoughts. Let’s delve right into my brain, shall we? Warning: It’s not pretty.
Stalker Posts
You know the ones. Some man (or woman depending on your sex) posts something very random like, “Your eyes are the color of an out-of-control forest fire, so I demand to be your new Facebook Stalker. Though I keep sending you friend requests, you heartily reject them. Evidently you have a brain which makes it very difficult to be a random stalker.” Yep, we’ve all had them, but now I’ve got the worst Facebook Stalker ever! He reads my columns and stalks anyone that responds to my written words, EXCEPT me. I mean, really. Everyone else also has eyes the color of an out-of-control forest fire?
Musical Madness
Remember when we were young and used to laugh at elevator music? Then suddenly one day you found yourself singing along to the songs piped through the ceiling of the grocery store. I just wish they’d quit playing ABBA. Anyway, now the drug companies are in on it. They have “Drug Theme Songs.” And I’m starting to sing them. Then I start wondering who the bands are that sing all these fabulous songs promoting arthritis, diabetes, and the horrific dilemma of diarrhea. I can hear it now, “Mom, guess what? I got a singing gig and I get to wear a hot pink suit!”
Not on My Watch
There’s a new company out there named, “Front Door.” Know what they do? They’re a bit like Angi, but they help you fix your household problem over the phone. I can just hear the conversation now with Not Helpful Guy:
NHG: So, you’ve got a leak in your faucet? Ok, no problem, just get yourself a wrench, plyers, and a screwdriver.
ME: You want me to do what?
NHG: Gather your tools.
ME: Ok, so what do plyers look like?
NHG: They look like a big version of what your dentist uses to pull teeth.
ME: You think my dentist can fix my faucet? Can’t you see my eyes are the color of an out-of-control forest fire?
Everything is Falling Apart
Someday, My Future Husband and I are going to quit living in sin and actually get married. So, I’ve been pondering what I want for wedding gifts. (Sorry, only child.) Obviously, we have at least one of everything, but most of those items came as wedding gifts from long, long ago. So, I’ve decided to ask for things that are falling apart. For example, MFH had back surgery and needed to use the heating pad. We have really old ones. I think mine was my parents, so it’s a classic. But isn’t it dangerous to use something electrical that’s over 50 years old? I’m afraid MFH might just have a shockingly good time the next time he presses “HI”. There’s lots of stuff in this house that’s so old, it’s falling apart, including me.
The Heatwave
In South Texas, the one thing we all have in common is surviving through another record breaking hot and dry summer. It proves we’re tougher than the people that shovel snow by a long shot. Snow comes in flurries for a few days. We live through months of heat and fight over shady parking spots. It’s so bad here, 98 is going to feel like a major cold front. Now I know why we all have eyes the color of an out-of-control forest fire.
I guess that’s enough randomness for today. Now, all I have is a request. Everyone stop what you’re doing right now and raise a margarita to Jimmy Buffett. It’s 5’oclock and cool somewhere.
Stalker Posts
You know the ones. Some man (or woman depending on your sex) posts something very random like, “Your eyes are the color of an out-of-control forest fire, so I demand to be your new Facebook Stalker. Though I keep sending you friend requests, you heartily reject them. Evidently you have a brain which makes it very difficult to be a random stalker.” Yep, we’ve all had them, but now I’ve got the worst Facebook Stalker ever! He reads my columns and stalks anyone that responds to my written words, EXCEPT me. I mean, really. Everyone else also has eyes the color of an out-of-control forest fire?
Musical Madness
Remember when we were young and used to laugh at elevator music? Then suddenly one day you found yourself singing along to the songs piped through the ceiling of the grocery store. I just wish they’d quit playing ABBA. Anyway, now the drug companies are in on it. They have “Drug Theme Songs.” And I’m starting to sing them. Then I start wondering who the bands are that sing all these fabulous songs promoting arthritis, diabetes, and the horrific dilemma of diarrhea. I can hear it now, “Mom, guess what? I got a singing gig and I get to wear a hot pink suit!”
Not on My Watch
There’s a new company out there named, “Front Door.” Know what they do? They’re a bit like Angi, but they help you fix your household problem over the phone. I can just hear the conversation now with Not Helpful Guy:
NHG: So, you’ve got a leak in your faucet? Ok, no problem, just get yourself a wrench, plyers, and a screwdriver.
ME: You want me to do what?
NHG: Gather your tools.
ME: Ok, so what do plyers look like?
NHG: They look like a big version of what your dentist uses to pull teeth.
ME: You think my dentist can fix my faucet? Can’t you see my eyes are the color of an out-of-control forest fire?
Everything is Falling Apart
Someday, My Future Husband and I are going to quit living in sin and actually get married. So, I’ve been pondering what I want for wedding gifts. (Sorry, only child.) Obviously, we have at least one of everything, but most of those items came as wedding gifts from long, long ago. So, I’ve decided to ask for things that are falling apart. For example, MFH had back surgery and needed to use the heating pad. We have really old ones. I think mine was my parents, so it’s a classic. But isn’t it dangerous to use something electrical that’s over 50 years old? I’m afraid MFH might just have a shockingly good time the next time he presses “HI”. There’s lots of stuff in this house that’s so old, it’s falling apart, including me.
The Heatwave
In South Texas, the one thing we all have in common is surviving through another record breaking hot and dry summer. It proves we’re tougher than the people that shovel snow by a long shot. Snow comes in flurries for a few days. We live through months of heat and fight over shady parking spots. It’s so bad here, 98 is going to feel like a major cold front. Now I know why we all have eyes the color of an out-of-control forest fire.
I guess that’s enough randomness for today. Now, all I have is a request. Everyone stop what you’re doing right now and raise a margarita to Jimmy Buffett. It’s 5’oclock and cool somewhere.