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November 9, 2023
The Family Grifter
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
The other day, a very dear friend, My Excellent Mentor, called to wish me a happy birthday. The call was much appreciated as I plan to no longer celebrate birthdays. I’m just going to announce to the world that I’m 84 and look great for my age. Of course, that’s until I turn 85, but then I’ll move it to 100.
Anyway, we were discussing the recent eclipse, as he and his lovely wife had traveled to a different state to see the phenomenon. But that’s not the story. This tale is all about the Long-Lost Cousin.
It seems that MEM’s wife received a call a from a cousin who she barely remembered, but through a discussion it was determined that, indeed, they were related though they’d never met. Being a hospitable sort, his wife invited the cousin to come visit whenever she was in the area.
Turns out, Long-Lost Cousin was close and would love to come for a visit. She picked the eclipse date, so they offered to take her along to see it. She thought that was a great idea and announced that she’d be coming to stay for a week.
Well, nobody was really sure about this because they didn’t even know her. Would she steal the silver? Maybe hack into their computers? Or worse – drink all the wine in the house?
Once she arrived, they were certain there was no family resemblance. They spent the next week entertaining LLC, paying for all her meals, and taking her on this trip to see the eclipse. What do they say about guests after three days? Well, you get the idea.
Thankfully, the day after the eclipse, LLC asked them to drive her an hour away to another long-lost cousin’s house. My Excellent Mentor was more than happy to oblige.
Now I’ve heard of really old people who just live on cruise ships because it’s a nice room, the food and booze are free, and they get to see the world so it’s cheaper than the cost of a good retirement home these days. But Long-Lost Cousin has them all beat. She’s leeching off long-lost cousins.
So, it occurs to me, I should reset my password to 23andMe and then I can find all my DNA relatives. I’ve got hundreds! And it tells where they live! All I need is a map of the United States and a plan of how to travel the country on my DNA dime.
My plan is brilliant! I know I have relatives in the Carolinas, Boston, and Maine. My Future Husband has plenty on the west coast and in Nebraska, though I’m not sure I really want to go there. Heck with all those DNA relatives we can probably be a little picky.
If we get good at it, then we can jaunt over to Scotland, merry old England and finally visit some Ashkenaz Jews, though I have no clue where they live. In Oshkosh?
The only trick is to make sure everyone has a car so these long-lost relatives can drive us to the next relative’s house. Then we don’t have to pay for hotel rooms, gas, or food. It’s the perfect plan! And if we have a day that is just in between cousins, I bet we can spend the night in the camping section of the Academy. Just know if you don’t hear from me for a while, I’ve found my first cousin victim.
Anyway, we were discussing the recent eclipse, as he and his lovely wife had traveled to a different state to see the phenomenon. But that’s not the story. This tale is all about the Long-Lost Cousin.
It seems that MEM’s wife received a call a from a cousin who she barely remembered, but through a discussion it was determined that, indeed, they were related though they’d never met. Being a hospitable sort, his wife invited the cousin to come visit whenever she was in the area.
Turns out, Long-Lost Cousin was close and would love to come for a visit. She picked the eclipse date, so they offered to take her along to see it. She thought that was a great idea and announced that she’d be coming to stay for a week.
Well, nobody was really sure about this because they didn’t even know her. Would she steal the silver? Maybe hack into their computers? Or worse – drink all the wine in the house?
Once she arrived, they were certain there was no family resemblance. They spent the next week entertaining LLC, paying for all her meals, and taking her on this trip to see the eclipse. What do they say about guests after three days? Well, you get the idea.
Thankfully, the day after the eclipse, LLC asked them to drive her an hour away to another long-lost cousin’s house. My Excellent Mentor was more than happy to oblige.
Now I’ve heard of really old people who just live on cruise ships because it’s a nice room, the food and booze are free, and they get to see the world so it’s cheaper than the cost of a good retirement home these days. But Long-Lost Cousin has them all beat. She’s leeching off long-lost cousins.
So, it occurs to me, I should reset my password to 23andMe and then I can find all my DNA relatives. I’ve got hundreds! And it tells where they live! All I need is a map of the United States and a plan of how to travel the country on my DNA dime.
My plan is brilliant! I know I have relatives in the Carolinas, Boston, and Maine. My Future Husband has plenty on the west coast and in Nebraska, though I’m not sure I really want to go there. Heck with all those DNA relatives we can probably be a little picky.
If we get good at it, then we can jaunt over to Scotland, merry old England and finally visit some Ashkenaz Jews, though I have no clue where they live. In Oshkosh?
The only trick is to make sure everyone has a car so these long-lost relatives can drive us to the next relative’s house. Then we don’t have to pay for hotel rooms, gas, or food. It’s the perfect plan! And if we have a day that is just in between cousins, I bet we can spend the night in the camping section of the Academy. Just know if you don’t hear from me for a while, I’ve found my first cousin victim.