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December 7, 2023
The Purrfect Christmas
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
There’s a stack of presents still to wrap, but the shopping is all done except for one thing, Christmas gifts for our livestock. Luckily, Facebook already has all that figured out for us, too. And what are this year’s fashionable presents for our pets? Read on, my friend.
Deadhead Cat Pajamas
Excuse me? Cats are Grateful Dead fans? That really gets my fur up. Seriously, the PJs have this design on them – it says Dead next to a dinosaur. I agree because when I listen to any of their songs, it makes me want to scratch my eyes out. The look is terrible, but even more terrible is what this will do to your cat. I mean, when’s the last time you spent the night at a friend’s house and their cat sauntered out wearing pajamas? Mine wouldn’t stand for it, in fact, they’d all throw a hissy fit. Ok, I’ll stop now.
Happy Birthday Cake Dog Hat
I wish I could show you the picture. This is a lovely cake (though it does have white icing) which is decorated with rainbow colors and a big bow. You “simply” tie it under your dog’s chin and let the party begin! Tails wagging everywhere. Or maybe not. The funniest part of the picture is they put the hat on a full-sized German Sheppard, so I guess he’d demand Policewomen Strippers for his birthday party.
Go Cowboys!
Or Cheeseheads. What’s your favorite football team? No matter, there’s a dog sweater for that. Frankly, I’d only give this kind of present to my dog if it was really a bad year for my team. That way I could tell everyone my team had gone to the dogs. See, I can’t stop.
Don’t Leave Us Cats Out
No worries, kitties. You will be sporting a knitted cap in your favorite colors. There are no ear holes, so your cute little pointed ears will be smashed into the cap making you completely deaf and incredibly frantic, but your head will be warm. Surely that will make you purr. But think how all the feral cats will talk behind your tail.
Rubber Ducky Dog Raincoat
Nobody wants a plain raincoat when you can get one with Rubber Duckies all over it. But wouldn’t the dog start chasing itself to catch all the fowl? Luckily this raincoat comes in a 3XL so even a Great Dane can have his Rubber Ducky jollies, too. Bet that will make him play dead.
Cactus Scratching Post
Really? I guess it doesn’t matter what shape it is. I have NEVER had a cat use a scratching post in my life. Oh, I’ve bought plenty, but my cats give it a sniff and then wander off to the closest couch they can find to scratch to death. And IF my cats actually did take to that Cactus Scratching Post, I’d be worried that they were going to get little cactus needles in their paws. It should come with a pair of attack tweezers.
Fetch Dog Stick
This rubber “stick” is the perfect thing for your dog! You’ll have hours of fun watching that stick bounce all over the yard. In fact, I’d suggest you also purchase a Dirt Dog Bag so you’ll have a nice bag of dirt to pour out onto your lawn so your dog can roll around in it, come inside and get the house filthy. Say, wonder if there’s a Vacuum Dog Toy that will clean Fido right up?
I’ve decided we need robot pets that don’t need toys, only an outlet for recharging. Wonder if those animal robots could clean my house? That would be purrfect.
Deadhead Cat Pajamas
Excuse me? Cats are Grateful Dead fans? That really gets my fur up. Seriously, the PJs have this design on them – it says Dead next to a dinosaur. I agree because when I listen to any of their songs, it makes me want to scratch my eyes out. The look is terrible, but even more terrible is what this will do to your cat. I mean, when’s the last time you spent the night at a friend’s house and their cat sauntered out wearing pajamas? Mine wouldn’t stand for it, in fact, they’d all throw a hissy fit. Ok, I’ll stop now.
Happy Birthday Cake Dog Hat
I wish I could show you the picture. This is a lovely cake (though it does have white icing) which is decorated with rainbow colors and a big bow. You “simply” tie it under your dog’s chin and let the party begin! Tails wagging everywhere. Or maybe not. The funniest part of the picture is they put the hat on a full-sized German Sheppard, so I guess he’d demand Policewomen Strippers for his birthday party.
Go Cowboys!
Or Cheeseheads. What’s your favorite football team? No matter, there’s a dog sweater for that. Frankly, I’d only give this kind of present to my dog if it was really a bad year for my team. That way I could tell everyone my team had gone to the dogs. See, I can’t stop.
Don’t Leave Us Cats Out
No worries, kitties. You will be sporting a knitted cap in your favorite colors. There are no ear holes, so your cute little pointed ears will be smashed into the cap making you completely deaf and incredibly frantic, but your head will be warm. Surely that will make you purr. But think how all the feral cats will talk behind your tail.
Rubber Ducky Dog Raincoat
Nobody wants a plain raincoat when you can get one with Rubber Duckies all over it. But wouldn’t the dog start chasing itself to catch all the fowl? Luckily this raincoat comes in a 3XL so even a Great Dane can have his Rubber Ducky jollies, too. Bet that will make him play dead.
Cactus Scratching Post
Really? I guess it doesn’t matter what shape it is. I have NEVER had a cat use a scratching post in my life. Oh, I’ve bought plenty, but my cats give it a sniff and then wander off to the closest couch they can find to scratch to death. And IF my cats actually did take to that Cactus Scratching Post, I’d be worried that they were going to get little cactus needles in their paws. It should come with a pair of attack tweezers.
Fetch Dog Stick
This rubber “stick” is the perfect thing for your dog! You’ll have hours of fun watching that stick bounce all over the yard. In fact, I’d suggest you also purchase a Dirt Dog Bag so you’ll have a nice bag of dirt to pour out onto your lawn so your dog can roll around in it, come inside and get the house filthy. Say, wonder if there’s a Vacuum Dog Toy that will clean Fido right up?
I’ve decided we need robot pets that don’t need toys, only an outlet for recharging. Wonder if those animal robots could clean my house? That would be purrfect.