Download & Print
March 7, 2024
Attack of the Network Time Protocol Police
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Smack dap in the middle of a lovely Texas Spring, that evil Time Change is lurking. Since it’s this weekend, you need to be armed with some funny facts to use on the next person you hear complaining about losing an hour of sleep.
You Don’t Even Say It Right
Technically, it’s Daylight Saving Time, not Daylight Savings Time. Someone needs to tell the weather people that put that little clock on their daily forecast. Maybe it should be renamed Daylight Losers Time because you lose an hour of precious sleep. That it unless you are retired. Then you just don’t care.
Ben Franklin Was Kidding
He suggested DST as a joke, people. A joke. Unfortunately, some Bug Guy (entomologist) thought, “Great idea! This way I’ll be able to see more bugs! They only come out in the day and now there will be more daylight and more bugs!”
Not Even an American Invention
Evidently, the Bug Guy was German because those were the first idiots to observe Daylight Saving Time. Gee thanks, Colonel Klinck. Say, why isn’t Colonel spelled Kernel, anyway?
We’re Not Worldwide
Only 40 percent of all countries observe this clock changing madness. Of course, the countries on the Equator ignore it – “Dude, the sun is in the same place all the time” but there are other countries like China and African that laugh behind our backs when we screw up our lives for a week.
It’s Not Just Us
You think our fur babies don’t notice? First off, Lola the kitten must be fed at 5 a.m. or she will simply perish from this earth. The dogs get treats at 4:30 p.m. Not a problem except none of them can read a clock. Plus, there’s cows, chickens, and Buc-ee’s who stay open 24 hours a day. One hour less can really cause havoc with caramel popcorn sales.
Once Again, It’s All About Me
When we were all kids, DST started in April and ended in late October. This totally upset the Candy Lobbyists who wanted to make sure that all those poor little candy-less children had enough light to gather as much candy as possible on Halloween. The sweet Candy Lobbyists wanted Congress to pass a bill changing the time to the weekend after Halloween (the greatest holiday of all). In the 60s, they even put a mini pumpkin in each Senator’s car seat. Evidently none of them locked their cars. This little stunt didn’t work, but never fear! Convenience Store Lobbyists made it happen. Now it lasts eight months a year. So much for liking your local icehouse.
Bartender, Hit Me
Why does the time change at 2 a.m.? Because that’s when all the bars close and we wouldn’t want anyone to miss a solid hour of serious drinking time, now would we?
We Really Don’t Want This
In the last few years, 19 states have passed resolutions saying, “Time Change? We don’t need no stinking Time Change.” Unfortunately, it really must be an act of Congress to make it official for the whole country, so we are stuck.
Bill Gates Controls You
The techno guys got together and made Congress pass the “Network Time Protocol,” which allows them to automatically update the time on your phone and computer. The first time this happened to me, I was terrified that my phone was being controlled. Silly me. I should have been afraid of the Cookie Protocol bill as Leaf Guard now pops up on all my devices. Kevin, I keep telling you it’s dangerous!
Go take a nap. You’re going to need it.
You Don’t Even Say It Right
Technically, it’s Daylight Saving Time, not Daylight Savings Time. Someone needs to tell the weather people that put that little clock on their daily forecast. Maybe it should be renamed Daylight Losers Time because you lose an hour of precious sleep. That it unless you are retired. Then you just don’t care.
Ben Franklin Was Kidding
He suggested DST as a joke, people. A joke. Unfortunately, some Bug Guy (entomologist) thought, “Great idea! This way I’ll be able to see more bugs! They only come out in the day and now there will be more daylight and more bugs!”
Not Even an American Invention
Evidently, the Bug Guy was German because those were the first idiots to observe Daylight Saving Time. Gee thanks, Colonel Klinck. Say, why isn’t Colonel spelled Kernel, anyway?
We’re Not Worldwide
Only 40 percent of all countries observe this clock changing madness. Of course, the countries on the Equator ignore it – “Dude, the sun is in the same place all the time” but there are other countries like China and African that laugh behind our backs when we screw up our lives for a week.
It’s Not Just Us
You think our fur babies don’t notice? First off, Lola the kitten must be fed at 5 a.m. or she will simply perish from this earth. The dogs get treats at 4:30 p.m. Not a problem except none of them can read a clock. Plus, there’s cows, chickens, and Buc-ee’s who stay open 24 hours a day. One hour less can really cause havoc with caramel popcorn sales.
Once Again, It’s All About Me
When we were all kids, DST started in April and ended in late October. This totally upset the Candy Lobbyists who wanted to make sure that all those poor little candy-less children had enough light to gather as much candy as possible on Halloween. The sweet Candy Lobbyists wanted Congress to pass a bill changing the time to the weekend after Halloween (the greatest holiday of all). In the 60s, they even put a mini pumpkin in each Senator’s car seat. Evidently none of them locked their cars. This little stunt didn’t work, but never fear! Convenience Store Lobbyists made it happen. Now it lasts eight months a year. So much for liking your local icehouse.
Bartender, Hit Me
Why does the time change at 2 a.m.? Because that’s when all the bars close and we wouldn’t want anyone to miss a solid hour of serious drinking time, now would we?
We Really Don’t Want This
In the last few years, 19 states have passed resolutions saying, “Time Change? We don’t need no stinking Time Change.” Unfortunately, it really must be an act of Congress to make it official for the whole country, so we are stuck.
Bill Gates Controls You
The techno guys got together and made Congress pass the “Network Time Protocol,” which allows them to automatically update the time on your phone and computer. The first time this happened to me, I was terrified that my phone was being controlled. Silly me. I should have been afraid of the Cookie Protocol bill as Leaf Guard now pops up on all my devices. Kevin, I keep telling you it’s dangerous!
Go take a nap. You’re going to need it.