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April 11, 2024
Total Clogged Eclipse
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Last week, with the Total Solar Eclipse and guests coming to the ranch fast approaching, I went into Crazed Cleaning Madness mode to make our abode a shining star. Then my whole world went dark and somehow, I got mooned.
As I attacked each room until it shined, we developed a “situation.” After My Future Husband took a shower, he wandered into the living room and announced, “The shower, sink, toilet, and tub are all backed up. Our bathroom is out of commission and, even worse, we’re all out of Liquid Plumber.”
In my Crazed Cleaning Madness, I announced, “No worries! Two large bottles of Liquid Plumber as soon as tomorrow!”
I felt like Alexa the Amazon Robot.
The next day (four days out), MFH “Liquid Plumbered” the entire bathroom several times, to no avail. The next morning, he called the plumber we use and left a message. Crickets. I kept cleaning everything except the bathroom.
The following morning, I felt the clouds gathering and I strongly suggested that he find another plumber and produced another number to call. A side note: when you live out in the country near a tiny town, plumbers are very hard to come by. Undeterred, MFH called the new plumber and left a message. Again. Crickets.
That’s when he took a trip to town to buy more Liquid Plumber. Unfortunately, being an I Can Fix Anything Man, he bought a big old bottle of Sulfuric Acid instead because he thought that would unclog anything.
Now a man who Can Fix Anything should know that before you pour any kind of acid anywhere, you might want to ventilate the area. Instead, My Future Husband poured some in the shower, it began to bubble and then immediately stunk to high heaven. He quickly opened a window and then he and Lola came flying into the living room with strange looks in their eyes. I spent the better part of the day airing out that entire end of the house while MFH coughed his head off for hours. But let’s press on.
Now two days out, I decided to solve this Total Clogged Eclipse before the real one and called the Big City company that could do everything – A/C, plumbing, electricity, welding, and probably marry you at a reasonable rate. And they were open on Saturday morning, a rural miracle.
I called and said, “Houston we have a problem. We’re in totality with the Total Clogged Eclipse going on here and we need an astrologer, I mean plumber, right away.” The Slow Mo Lady asked me every question in the book and then repeated each answer back to me very slowly just to ensure it was perfect. Luckily, the house wasn’t flooding.
A couple of hours later, one day out, a nice young man arrived to check on the situation. He agreed everything was stopped up, but he really couldn’t help because he was, in fact, the air conditioning repair man. I felt like I’d just been mooned so I called Slow Mo Lady back who promised she’d find a plumber. When I admitted I hadn’t had a shower in four days, she started to cry.
Finally, about eight that evening, I heard from the plumber who said he’d be there at seven in the morning. Ground Zero. I slept in my eclipse glasses.
Once the plumber showed up, within 15 minutes, the Total Clogged Eclipse was over much faster than it had begun. The birds began to sing as I headed to the shower. I’m officially done with Total Clogged Eclipses for a while. And Crazed Cleaning Madness, come to think of it.
As I attacked each room until it shined, we developed a “situation.” After My Future Husband took a shower, he wandered into the living room and announced, “The shower, sink, toilet, and tub are all backed up. Our bathroom is out of commission and, even worse, we’re all out of Liquid Plumber.”
In my Crazed Cleaning Madness, I announced, “No worries! Two large bottles of Liquid Plumber as soon as tomorrow!”
I felt like Alexa the Amazon Robot.
The next day (four days out), MFH “Liquid Plumbered” the entire bathroom several times, to no avail. The next morning, he called the plumber we use and left a message. Crickets. I kept cleaning everything except the bathroom.
The following morning, I felt the clouds gathering and I strongly suggested that he find another plumber and produced another number to call. A side note: when you live out in the country near a tiny town, plumbers are very hard to come by. Undeterred, MFH called the new plumber and left a message. Again. Crickets.
That’s when he took a trip to town to buy more Liquid Plumber. Unfortunately, being an I Can Fix Anything Man, he bought a big old bottle of Sulfuric Acid instead because he thought that would unclog anything.
Now a man who Can Fix Anything should know that before you pour any kind of acid anywhere, you might want to ventilate the area. Instead, My Future Husband poured some in the shower, it began to bubble and then immediately stunk to high heaven. He quickly opened a window and then he and Lola came flying into the living room with strange looks in their eyes. I spent the better part of the day airing out that entire end of the house while MFH coughed his head off for hours. But let’s press on.
Now two days out, I decided to solve this Total Clogged Eclipse before the real one and called the Big City company that could do everything – A/C, plumbing, electricity, welding, and probably marry you at a reasonable rate. And they were open on Saturday morning, a rural miracle.
I called and said, “Houston we have a problem. We’re in totality with the Total Clogged Eclipse going on here and we need an astrologer, I mean plumber, right away.” The Slow Mo Lady asked me every question in the book and then repeated each answer back to me very slowly just to ensure it was perfect. Luckily, the house wasn’t flooding.
A couple of hours later, one day out, a nice young man arrived to check on the situation. He agreed everything was stopped up, but he really couldn’t help because he was, in fact, the air conditioning repair man. I felt like I’d just been mooned so I called Slow Mo Lady back who promised she’d find a plumber. When I admitted I hadn’t had a shower in four days, she started to cry.
Finally, about eight that evening, I heard from the plumber who said he’d be there at seven in the morning. Ground Zero. I slept in my eclipse glasses.
Once the plumber showed up, within 15 minutes, the Total Clogged Eclipse was over much faster than it had begun. The birds began to sing as I headed to the shower. I’m officially done with Total Clogged Eclipses for a while. And Crazed Cleaning Madness, come to think of it.