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July 18, 2024
Rules of the Road
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
My father was a traveling salesman who drove his Lincoln Continental all over five states selling men’s hats. This professional driver taught me the rules of the road and told me to watch out for the other guy because he was nuts. He was right. You Texans can’t drive.
I dashed up to Big D on Monday on a quick turnaround using the backroads because I gave up interstates long ago. Luckily, TxDot spends all our tax dollars on making our roads well paved, so the backroads now include passing lanes and all that fancy stuff.
I drive the speed limit, use cruise and usually enjoy my ride. But this week, I was reminded that Texans believe the left lane is made just for them even if they’re going 45 in a 70. I’ve never passed so many cars by using the right lane in my life. Since you all don’t know that slow drivers should keep right, I’ve taken it upon myself to look up the really weird Texas driving rules that we all need to know.
Don’t Rain on My Parade
It’s illegal to drive in Texas without windshield wipers. It’s not required that you have a windshield, just the wipers. Wonder if you can adjust them to wipe the water off your face?
No Bumping Me
It is illegal to have anything protruding from your bumper unless it’s attached with a chain. Something protruding from your bumper? Like a deer you just hit? Oh, maybe it’s like that Exxon Tiger in Your Tank tail Dearly Demented Mom had hanging on her bumper? It must have scared someone in Austin.
This is What’s Wrong with Texas Tech
In Lubbock, it’s illegal to drive within arm’s length of alcohol including alcohol in someone else’s blood stream. So let me get this straight. You’re a designated driver and you drive home your drunk friend and that’s illegal? This is why the Raiders football team never wins. Karma.
Nothing is Safe
In Texarkana, owners of horses may not ride them at night without taillights. I’ve yet to see a taillight on a horse, but I guess Sam Houston broke the law while riding around the state trying to make it a Republic and all that.
Beach Cruising
It’s illegal to drive down Broadway in Galveston before noon on Sundays. I’m pretty sure this wrecks the Sunday Brunch crowd who just want omelettes and Bloody Marys.
Oh, Stop It
In Denton County, you must use your parking brake every time you park your car. I can only assume that one of those horses with taillights accidentally backed up into a parked car, hence the parking brake rule. Wonder where you install the parking brake on a horse?
The Old Fly By
The fastest known speeding ticket in Texas was issued in Houston for someone going 242 mph in a 75 mph zone. Dude. How’d the DPS ever catch you? And how can you speed thru all that traffic?
No, You Can’t Steal It
It’s illegal to leave your keys in your ignition. I had a really funky car once where I had to keep the key taped in the ignition because my tumblers had tumbled. I pity the police officer who would have tried to give me a ticket for trying to get rid of a crappy car.
Look, people. Drive the dang speed limit or stay in the right lane. Some of us know how to drive the speed limit, use cruise control and keep brakes on our horses. Why not give us a brake because you tire us out.
I dashed up to Big D on Monday on a quick turnaround using the backroads because I gave up interstates long ago. Luckily, TxDot spends all our tax dollars on making our roads well paved, so the backroads now include passing lanes and all that fancy stuff.
I drive the speed limit, use cruise and usually enjoy my ride. But this week, I was reminded that Texans believe the left lane is made just for them even if they’re going 45 in a 70. I’ve never passed so many cars by using the right lane in my life. Since you all don’t know that slow drivers should keep right, I’ve taken it upon myself to look up the really weird Texas driving rules that we all need to know.
Don’t Rain on My Parade
It’s illegal to drive in Texas without windshield wipers. It’s not required that you have a windshield, just the wipers. Wonder if you can adjust them to wipe the water off your face?
No Bumping Me
It is illegal to have anything protruding from your bumper unless it’s attached with a chain. Something protruding from your bumper? Like a deer you just hit? Oh, maybe it’s like that Exxon Tiger in Your Tank tail Dearly Demented Mom had hanging on her bumper? It must have scared someone in Austin.
This is What’s Wrong with Texas Tech
In Lubbock, it’s illegal to drive within arm’s length of alcohol including alcohol in someone else’s blood stream. So let me get this straight. You’re a designated driver and you drive home your drunk friend and that’s illegal? This is why the Raiders football team never wins. Karma.
Nothing is Safe
In Texarkana, owners of horses may not ride them at night without taillights. I’ve yet to see a taillight on a horse, but I guess Sam Houston broke the law while riding around the state trying to make it a Republic and all that.
Beach Cruising
It’s illegal to drive down Broadway in Galveston before noon on Sundays. I’m pretty sure this wrecks the Sunday Brunch crowd who just want omelettes and Bloody Marys.
Oh, Stop It
In Denton County, you must use your parking brake every time you park your car. I can only assume that one of those horses with taillights accidentally backed up into a parked car, hence the parking brake rule. Wonder where you install the parking brake on a horse?
The Old Fly By
The fastest known speeding ticket in Texas was issued in Houston for someone going 242 mph in a 75 mph zone. Dude. How’d the DPS ever catch you? And how can you speed thru all that traffic?
No, You Can’t Steal It
It’s illegal to leave your keys in your ignition. I had a really funky car once where I had to keep the key taped in the ignition because my tumblers had tumbled. I pity the police officer who would have tried to give me a ticket for trying to get rid of a crappy car.
Look, people. Drive the dang speed limit or stay in the right lane. Some of us know how to drive the speed limit, use cruise control and keep brakes on our horses. Why not give us a brake because you tire us out.