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August 8, 2024
Age Old Questions
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Most of my high school friends have already experienced the big Seven Oh!, and being one of the younger sweet things in my class, my next decade is just around the corner, so I'm full of questions about officially becoming an old fart.
Why Does that Hurt?
I'm just normal old me. I go to bed, get all the rest AARP recommends and yet, when I wake up in the morning, something new hurts. The other day, it was my left knee. Today it's my right hip. I guess all the specialist doctors have conspired to make sure I need them desperately in my future. At my last six-month checkup, I had this discussion with my Primary Care Dude.
ME: Just wondering. Why do random parts of my body hurt for no reason?
PCD: The specialists need more victims. They've got kids in college, you know.
ME: But what do they need me for?
PCD: For every inch of you that hurts. So much fun awaits you because they can replace most anything today and from what I can tell, you'd still look pretty good in a hospital gown.
ME: Do they have Hospital Gown Beauty Contests now?
PCD: No, but as weird as your body is, I bet you could start a new trend.
Why Do I Love to Watch Birds?
I never really cared about birds because I've always had cats, and watching cats and birds co-mingle plays as some torturous Alfred Hitchcock movie. But lately, after being retired and way too bored, I find we sit on the porch with our bird identifier, and the highlight of the morning might just be discovering the infamous Painted Bunting Gnat Catcher Golden Throated Hummingbird or something like that. Suddenly, I'm spending more on bird seed then new shoes, and that, my friends, is a Whippoorwill Shoe Tragedy.
Why do I have a Weather Addiction?
Just like the "turning into your parents" commercials, I can spend at least half an hour with my friends discussing the weather over a few glasses of wine while we whine. It's too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry and when will Pumpkin Spice Fall ever come? I still don't have the ability to identify all the cloud varieties, but I bet that's in my future. Certainly, there's an app for that.
Why Don't We Ever Go Out Anymore?
You know why old people go out to eat at 4 p.m.? They simply don't want to drive home in the dark. Sure, you Big City people can go out to dinner with a simple five-minute drive, but we country folk must travel at least half an hour to get a decent Chicken Parmesan while we dodge the deer all the way there. It might be okay to stay home forever, except I have to cook every dang meal. And that, my friends, is why they make frozen pizza.
Why Do I Have Alligator Skin?
I was the kid with the oiliest skin in high school. I think I finally quit having Pimple Plague in my 40s. But now, I found there is no oil left on any part of my body. It's gotten so bad, after I hop out of the shower, I slather up with Canola Oil. Luckily, I never go outside in the heat anymore, so I still don't need a Scaly Body Specialist - yet.
Why Is Napping Such a Bad Thing?
I've always been the kind that loved to nap. I'd grab one if I have had the chance when I was younger. I'd head directly to bed, take a one-hour nap and wake up all fresh and sassy. Now I can fall asleep anywhere - on the couch, waiting for my grocery pick up or in the middle of someone's boring rant about the weather. I think this is why they make Five Hour Energy.
Why Can't I Keep Up with the Latest Technology Anymore?
I'm pretty sure I know why - it's because I'm too busy going to visit specialists, watching birds, studying the clouds and napping. But the lovely thing is I simply don't care anymore. That's what grandkids are for.
Let's all just enjoy the ride, whether it's on a grocery store motorized cart or sitting outside identifying all those birds. Who knows, maybe this is what aging gracefully is all about. And yet, why?
Why Does that Hurt?
I'm just normal old me. I go to bed, get all the rest AARP recommends and yet, when I wake up in the morning, something new hurts. The other day, it was my left knee. Today it's my right hip. I guess all the specialist doctors have conspired to make sure I need them desperately in my future. At my last six-month checkup, I had this discussion with my Primary Care Dude.
ME: Just wondering. Why do random parts of my body hurt for no reason?
PCD: The specialists need more victims. They've got kids in college, you know.
ME: But what do they need me for?
PCD: For every inch of you that hurts. So much fun awaits you because they can replace most anything today and from what I can tell, you'd still look pretty good in a hospital gown.
ME: Do they have Hospital Gown Beauty Contests now?
PCD: No, but as weird as your body is, I bet you could start a new trend.
Why Do I Love to Watch Birds?
I never really cared about birds because I've always had cats, and watching cats and birds co-mingle plays as some torturous Alfred Hitchcock movie. But lately, after being retired and way too bored, I find we sit on the porch with our bird identifier, and the highlight of the morning might just be discovering the infamous Painted Bunting Gnat Catcher Golden Throated Hummingbird or something like that. Suddenly, I'm spending more on bird seed then new shoes, and that, my friends, is a Whippoorwill Shoe Tragedy.
Why do I have a Weather Addiction?
Just like the "turning into your parents" commercials, I can spend at least half an hour with my friends discussing the weather over a few glasses of wine while we whine. It's too hot, too cold, too wet, too dry and when will Pumpkin Spice Fall ever come? I still don't have the ability to identify all the cloud varieties, but I bet that's in my future. Certainly, there's an app for that.
Why Don't We Ever Go Out Anymore?
You know why old people go out to eat at 4 p.m.? They simply don't want to drive home in the dark. Sure, you Big City people can go out to dinner with a simple five-minute drive, but we country folk must travel at least half an hour to get a decent Chicken Parmesan while we dodge the deer all the way there. It might be okay to stay home forever, except I have to cook every dang meal. And that, my friends, is why they make frozen pizza.
Why Do I Have Alligator Skin?
I was the kid with the oiliest skin in high school. I think I finally quit having Pimple Plague in my 40s. But now, I found there is no oil left on any part of my body. It's gotten so bad, after I hop out of the shower, I slather up with Canola Oil. Luckily, I never go outside in the heat anymore, so I still don't need a Scaly Body Specialist - yet.
Why Is Napping Such a Bad Thing?
I've always been the kind that loved to nap. I'd grab one if I have had the chance when I was younger. I'd head directly to bed, take a one-hour nap and wake up all fresh and sassy. Now I can fall asleep anywhere - on the couch, waiting for my grocery pick up or in the middle of someone's boring rant about the weather. I think this is why they make Five Hour Energy.
Why Can't I Keep Up with the Latest Technology Anymore?
I'm pretty sure I know why - it's because I'm too busy going to visit specialists, watching birds, studying the clouds and napping. But the lovely thing is I simply don't care anymore. That's what grandkids are for.
Let's all just enjoy the ride, whether it's on a grocery store motorized cart or sitting outside identifying all those birds. Who knows, maybe this is what aging gracefully is all about. And yet, why?