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February 14, 2025
Deferment, Driving and Doctors
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Have you ever lived out in the middle of nowhere? I’m living there right now. As My Future Husband likes to say, “The only reason some people live this far out is because they just don’t want to be found. That, or they’re running from the law.” Well, I managed to find MFH, so wonder what laws he’s broken?
I made my “deferment” more than a year ago. It’s my new word for retirement as I’m pretty sure retirement isn’t the life I was born to live, but we’ll get to that.
Most people I know love retirement. They travel to faraway places like Bora Bora and go on floating hotels in the sea which serve so much food that if you fall overboard, you will still float. Not so for us. We choose to live an hour away from any semi-quasi town, spending our golden years driving and going to doctors. Even an Uber won’t come out here.
Forgot something for the big party? No worries! Get it delivered. Tired and drunk? Pizza in 30 or less. Amazon delivering packages to your house? Not even robots could negotiate these caliche roads. Personally, I haven’t had a pizza that wasn’t frozen in over 20 years. Cardboard is good! There’s absolutely no poster board in my county, much less a hairdresser who knows more than one style of haircut, which she uses on both women and men.
So, we must drive, though I prefer to cruise alone so I can crank up the tunes and flirt with all the cowboys in their Doolies. Just kidding about the cowboys. We only have a bunch of go-getters in this county. They take her to work in the morning and go getter at night.
Only an hour and five minutes away, I can go to the grocery store I worship (HEB this is a political endorsement, and I expect some free food out of it), the mall which we refer to as “The Small,” or cruise the drive-thrus to see who’s serving the best Jalapeno Spicy A-1 Chicken Burger. I feel like the farmer’s wife who goes to town to buy 50 pounds of flour and enough beef jerky to get through the winter. Farmers on horses probably drove better than the rural ranchers out here. They’re all go-getters anyway.
Actually, I save a lot of money because there’s no Target, no Macy’s or Male Strip Joints unless I drive an hour and a half away. Give up fast food on your diet? Easy because the only fast food we have here is deer.
And then there’s the doctors. Why do I have so many doctors now that I’m deferred? Eyes, feet, skin, blood labs, mammograms, et al, I’m one busy “healthy” beaver. Plus, I get to chauffeur MFH to all his doctor’s appointments that are an hour and a half away. He’s got those real doctors that each specialize in one of your innards. I’m still a hot chick that only has doctors that deal with the outside of me.
I’m thinking this “unlimited freedom” thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe I should try running from the law. I might just meet a real go-getter who knows how to get a pizza delivered. Sure hope he’s healthy.
I made my “deferment” more than a year ago. It’s my new word for retirement as I’m pretty sure retirement isn’t the life I was born to live, but we’ll get to that.
Most people I know love retirement. They travel to faraway places like Bora Bora and go on floating hotels in the sea which serve so much food that if you fall overboard, you will still float. Not so for us. We choose to live an hour away from any semi-quasi town, spending our golden years driving and going to doctors. Even an Uber won’t come out here.
Forgot something for the big party? No worries! Get it delivered. Tired and drunk? Pizza in 30 or less. Amazon delivering packages to your house? Not even robots could negotiate these caliche roads. Personally, I haven’t had a pizza that wasn’t frozen in over 20 years. Cardboard is good! There’s absolutely no poster board in my county, much less a hairdresser who knows more than one style of haircut, which she uses on both women and men.
So, we must drive, though I prefer to cruise alone so I can crank up the tunes and flirt with all the cowboys in their Doolies. Just kidding about the cowboys. We only have a bunch of go-getters in this county. They take her to work in the morning and go getter at night.
Only an hour and five minutes away, I can go to the grocery store I worship (HEB this is a political endorsement, and I expect some free food out of it), the mall which we refer to as “The Small,” or cruise the drive-thrus to see who’s serving the best Jalapeno Spicy A-1 Chicken Burger. I feel like the farmer’s wife who goes to town to buy 50 pounds of flour and enough beef jerky to get through the winter. Farmers on horses probably drove better than the rural ranchers out here. They’re all go-getters anyway.
Actually, I save a lot of money because there’s no Target, no Macy’s or Male Strip Joints unless I drive an hour and a half away. Give up fast food on your diet? Easy because the only fast food we have here is deer.
And then there’s the doctors. Why do I have so many doctors now that I’m deferred? Eyes, feet, skin, blood labs, mammograms, et al, I’m one busy “healthy” beaver. Plus, I get to chauffeur MFH to all his doctor’s appointments that are an hour and a half away. He’s got those real doctors that each specialize in one of your innards. I’m still a hot chick that only has doctors that deal with the outside of me.
I’m thinking this “unlimited freedom” thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe I should try running from the law. I might just meet a real go-getter who knows how to get a pizza delivered. Sure hope he’s healthy.