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February 28, 2025
Mr. Clean
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
As a young girl, I loved the smell of Mr. Clean. After walking home from school, I’d hit the door and land in a very clean house with the strong smell of ammonia. I swear it made me high. I guess that’s how all the housewives had fun back in the day.
Luckily my mother was in no danger of feeling loopy because she never cleaned much. Dearly Demented Mom always had a maid. Her rationale was that because she worked, DDM could afford a maid. Truth be told, she had no idea how to clean, though she was in the Army so she could at least make a bed.
Basically, I was never taught how to clean. Anything. Not even laundry, my friend. Those were some bleak days before I learned how to use a washing machine. Luckily, over the years, I’ve watched enough TV commercials to give me the general idea, so that’s how I clean. Dust here. Sweep there. Take a break anywhere. I’m okay with it, but there are some of you out there who really scare me.
The Mop People
There’s a Swiffer Commercial Conspiracy out there. If you use this mop, you simply dance around the house mopping away. Everything is so bright and shiny that you mop at the end of every day! When I mop the floor, it looks streakier than a naked man running across a football field.
The Ultra-Organized
My Dad always said, “Clean as you go.” Clean as I go? Like out the front door to run away from housekeeping? He was, and Very Best Friend is, OCD about organization. I’m convinced it’s a disease, the Perfectly Perfect Perfection condition or PPP for short. Inside VBF’s fridge, it looks like a Ladies Magazine ad. Insanity. One time, when she was asleep, I rearranged everything in there into a crazy mess. When she saw it, well, I had to call 911.
The Zoomers
Dearly Departed Husband loved to vacuum. He could pretty well get away with anything just as long as he kept running the Hoover. And that was in the days before $999 hand-held battery driven vacuums that can suck the chrome off a car bumper. My Future Husband and I gave the Robot Vacuum Stalker a try. Ours was allergic to dog hair because at the first hair it encountered, it headed right back to its base, gave a long sigh and shut itself off.
The Loaders
Now I may not be Ms. Spic and Span, but I’m proud to say I can load a dishwasher like I’m sleeping with Mr. Maytag. In fact, I’m doing that every night. Running the dishwasher, that is. Of course, no one else who lives here even knows we have a dishwasher, evidently. If you put the cup by the dishwasher, doesn’t that count? Why yes, it does, because you’d load it wrong anyway.
Shine On Obsessive
I don’t think they have many commercials for washing windows, because no one wants to admit their windows are always dirty. Or at least for us Hill Country folk that live with Caliche and Dust roommates. Since we are “lucky” enough to have a Great Pyrenees who just loves dirt and mud, I’m pretty much a glass door cleaner fanatic. I’ve been through tons of window cleaning sprays that were all lousy, but at least they matched my streaky floors. Finally, I found my savior – a window cleaner with ammonia in it. Mr. Clean would be proud.
And now you know why the only clean things in my house are the windows. See?
Luckily my mother was in no danger of feeling loopy because she never cleaned much. Dearly Demented Mom always had a maid. Her rationale was that because she worked, DDM could afford a maid. Truth be told, she had no idea how to clean, though she was in the Army so she could at least make a bed.
Basically, I was never taught how to clean. Anything. Not even laundry, my friend. Those were some bleak days before I learned how to use a washing machine. Luckily, over the years, I’ve watched enough TV commercials to give me the general idea, so that’s how I clean. Dust here. Sweep there. Take a break anywhere. I’m okay with it, but there are some of you out there who really scare me.
The Mop People
There’s a Swiffer Commercial Conspiracy out there. If you use this mop, you simply dance around the house mopping away. Everything is so bright and shiny that you mop at the end of every day! When I mop the floor, it looks streakier than a naked man running across a football field.
The Ultra-Organized
My Dad always said, “Clean as you go.” Clean as I go? Like out the front door to run away from housekeeping? He was, and Very Best Friend is, OCD about organization. I’m convinced it’s a disease, the Perfectly Perfect Perfection condition or PPP for short. Inside VBF’s fridge, it looks like a Ladies Magazine ad. Insanity. One time, when she was asleep, I rearranged everything in there into a crazy mess. When she saw it, well, I had to call 911.
The Zoomers
Dearly Departed Husband loved to vacuum. He could pretty well get away with anything just as long as he kept running the Hoover. And that was in the days before $999 hand-held battery driven vacuums that can suck the chrome off a car bumper. My Future Husband and I gave the Robot Vacuum Stalker a try. Ours was allergic to dog hair because at the first hair it encountered, it headed right back to its base, gave a long sigh and shut itself off.
The Loaders
Now I may not be Ms. Spic and Span, but I’m proud to say I can load a dishwasher like I’m sleeping with Mr. Maytag. In fact, I’m doing that every night. Running the dishwasher, that is. Of course, no one else who lives here even knows we have a dishwasher, evidently. If you put the cup by the dishwasher, doesn’t that count? Why yes, it does, because you’d load it wrong anyway.
Shine On Obsessive
I don’t think they have many commercials for washing windows, because no one wants to admit their windows are always dirty. Or at least for us Hill Country folk that live with Caliche and Dust roommates. Since we are “lucky” enough to have a Great Pyrenees who just loves dirt and mud, I’m pretty much a glass door cleaner fanatic. I’ve been through tons of window cleaning sprays that were all lousy, but at least they matched my streaky floors. Finally, I found my savior – a window cleaner with ammonia in it. Mr. Clean would be proud.
And now you know why the only clean things in my house are the windows. See?