Download & Print
May 15, 2025
Road Trip Travelogue
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Oh boy! Everybody loves a road trip! Or do they really? Let’s check in on a Texas jaunt, shall we? By the way, no names have been used to protect the guilty.
Prepare
The day before heading out, you must spruce up the dusty, dirty but nice Ranch Truck for the adventures that are sure to come. I mean, if the police pull up, before they arrest you, it’s important to hear, “Say, did you use Amoral on the dash? It’s so shiny.”
There’s vacuum cleaner cussing, objects found that no one knows whose they are, and the occasional dead rattlesnake. Stop screaming. Just kidding. The vehicle is parked close to the door for loading the next day even though the hard workers might have already worn themselves out even before the trip.
Pack
The next morning, he (I mean one of them) decides to pack very, very light. Three shirts, three pairs of pants and swim trunks plus a pair of boots for a three-day trip. This individual obviously isn’t concerned about how swim trunks and boots look together.
But on the other hand, she, (I mean the other one) takes two outfits per day, four pairs of shoes to match each individual outfit, a bathing suit, a cover up, flip flops, a nightgown, makeup, jewelry and perfume. Be prepared for anything. There is the possibility of jail, after all.
Travel
Since the truck is so nice inside, the ride is lovely. That is until they attempt to get in and out of the truck which is evidently getting harder the older everybody gets. Somebody needs to invent an electric car seat that propels you like one of those fancy recliners.
The navigator is exceptional and directs them exactly to the wrong place for the birthday party they are attending. It might have behooved her (I mean them) to actually look at the invitation to find the exact location of the party which, luckily, was in the same town. Siri said, “Stupidity knows no bounds. Now what, dumb-dumb?”
Dine
The weary travelers partake of the birthday party buffet and hang out for a few hours. She (I mean one of them) has on a new pair of boots that begin to remind the wearer that these puppies need to come off soon or the dogs will be barking. So off to another town and the hotel that one of the two picked out on the internet all on his (I mean their) own.
Sleep
Never ask for an ADA Compliant room unless you really, really need one. Especially one that has no place to sit down plus it has a giant king-sized bed stuffed into a spot that’s only big enough for a queen. The couple, worn out from a day of cleaning and a day of birthdaying, try to find each other in the giant bed so they can go to sleep on king-sized bolster pillows.
Next morning he (I mean they) decided this was the worst room ever and they shall never return to either this hotel or this weird town. Luckily, management refunds the remaining room night, so they quickly pack up and head out before he changes his mind.
Run Away
Most people don’t run away from a vacation, but these two sure did. They did stop for a glorious café breakfast but as soon as that was over, they headed that clean truck back south to come home. Unfortunately, the navigator had changed, some backtracking ensued followed by her (I mean their) normal end of vacation meltdown, which usually involves a child. An only child.
And the police never even bothered to pull them over.
Prepare
The day before heading out, you must spruce up the dusty, dirty but nice Ranch Truck for the adventures that are sure to come. I mean, if the police pull up, before they arrest you, it’s important to hear, “Say, did you use Amoral on the dash? It’s so shiny.”
There’s vacuum cleaner cussing, objects found that no one knows whose they are, and the occasional dead rattlesnake. Stop screaming. Just kidding. The vehicle is parked close to the door for loading the next day even though the hard workers might have already worn themselves out even before the trip.
Pack
The next morning, he (I mean one of them) decides to pack very, very light. Three shirts, three pairs of pants and swim trunks plus a pair of boots for a three-day trip. This individual obviously isn’t concerned about how swim trunks and boots look together.
But on the other hand, she, (I mean the other one) takes two outfits per day, four pairs of shoes to match each individual outfit, a bathing suit, a cover up, flip flops, a nightgown, makeup, jewelry and perfume. Be prepared for anything. There is the possibility of jail, after all.
Travel
Since the truck is so nice inside, the ride is lovely. That is until they attempt to get in and out of the truck which is evidently getting harder the older everybody gets. Somebody needs to invent an electric car seat that propels you like one of those fancy recliners.
The navigator is exceptional and directs them exactly to the wrong place for the birthday party they are attending. It might have behooved her (I mean them) to actually look at the invitation to find the exact location of the party which, luckily, was in the same town. Siri said, “Stupidity knows no bounds. Now what, dumb-dumb?”
Dine
The weary travelers partake of the birthday party buffet and hang out for a few hours. She (I mean one of them) has on a new pair of boots that begin to remind the wearer that these puppies need to come off soon or the dogs will be barking. So off to another town and the hotel that one of the two picked out on the internet all on his (I mean their) own.
Sleep
Never ask for an ADA Compliant room unless you really, really need one. Especially one that has no place to sit down plus it has a giant king-sized bed stuffed into a spot that’s only big enough for a queen. The couple, worn out from a day of cleaning and a day of birthdaying, try to find each other in the giant bed so they can go to sleep on king-sized bolster pillows.
Next morning he (I mean they) decided this was the worst room ever and they shall never return to either this hotel or this weird town. Luckily, management refunds the remaining room night, so they quickly pack up and head out before he changes his mind.
Run Away
Most people don’t run away from a vacation, but these two sure did. They did stop for a glorious café breakfast but as soon as that was over, they headed that clean truck back south to come home. Unfortunately, the navigator had changed, some backtracking ensued followed by her (I mean their) normal end of vacation meltdown, which usually involves a child. An only child.
And the police never even bothered to pull them over.