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July 18, 2025
Gone Country
Whys and Why Nots
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Rather than worry about the world these days, I’m pondering the “whys” in life. You know like, “Why do I ever need to put on makeup again?” or, better yet, “Why does society still require that I wear a bra?”
Those are easy “whys” because the answer is simple. Just hide in the house so they never know what you are up to, whoever “they” are. But that’s a different column.
Makeup
Occasionally I do put on makeup, so I won’t terrify the outside world. Recently I bought some new eyeshadow, excuse me, an Eyeshadow Pallet, from a fancy makeup company. The container looks like a book, so I had to figure out how to open it. I read the box and discovered this printed on the side:
Vegan
Gluten-Free
Tree Nut-Free
But why? How is makeup Vegan? Does it mean that there’s no bacon in it? Maybe it’s vegan so your eyelids won’t smell like a pig? And then there’s Gluten-Free. Why? When the eyeshadow gets down to the last little bit, are you supposed to eat it? And Tree Nut-Free. Why? I’m kind of happy about this because no trees or nuts died for me to have eyeshadow. And what’s a Tree Nut anyway? One of those talking trees in the Wizard of Oz?
Aches and Pains
Why, after a good night’s sleep, do I wake up and realize that something new hurts? Do I run in my sleep? Do I beat on one knee all night long while I snore? Why am I having fantasies about my own personal Physical Therapist that tortures me so that I don’t notice what hurts because something new is more painful now? I mean I thought PT meant you could walk all over Costco. That’s enough PT for me.
For the Birds
Why do you automatically start watching birds after you retire? We are totally lost in it now. Why? I don’t see the birds watching us. None of them whips out their phone to identify what variety of human we are. They don’t even record our laughs or admire our grey hair. So why am I buying a variety of bird seeds, houses and feeders filled with the evil suet? I sure wouldn’t eat any. Unless the suet grease is bacon grease and then I might ruffle some feathers.
Weird Hair
Why does your hair get weird when it greys? Mine lost most of its curls and it’s as soft as a bristle pad. Do you think if I dyed it again it would get all curly? Stop laughing all you stylists out there. When you refuse to wear makeup or a bra, you’ve already lost all your style. And why do grey-headed women put that purple shampoo in their hair? Didn’t all our grandmothers have purple hair? I won’t use that stuff because I’m already too afraid to look in the mirror.
May I do You a Flavor?
Why are there 429 flavors of drinks they sell at the convenience store? We had Cherry, Strawberry and Grape. Today, we have Kiwi Raspberry Pickle soda and Mango Guacamole gummies. Why? As I’ve always said, the younger generations have no taste. I mean, I grew up when everybody’s seams had to match and nobody even knew what a kiwi was.
The Eternal Question
Why do all the drugs advertised on TV make you sing and dance?
Oh, why not.
Those are easy “whys” because the answer is simple. Just hide in the house so they never know what you are up to, whoever “they” are. But that’s a different column.
Makeup
Occasionally I do put on makeup, so I won’t terrify the outside world. Recently I bought some new eyeshadow, excuse me, an Eyeshadow Pallet, from a fancy makeup company. The container looks like a book, so I had to figure out how to open it. I read the box and discovered this printed on the side:
Vegan
Gluten-Free
Tree Nut-Free
But why? How is makeup Vegan? Does it mean that there’s no bacon in it? Maybe it’s vegan so your eyelids won’t smell like a pig? And then there’s Gluten-Free. Why? When the eyeshadow gets down to the last little bit, are you supposed to eat it? And Tree Nut-Free. Why? I’m kind of happy about this because no trees or nuts died for me to have eyeshadow. And what’s a Tree Nut anyway? One of those talking trees in the Wizard of Oz?
Aches and Pains
Why, after a good night’s sleep, do I wake up and realize that something new hurts? Do I run in my sleep? Do I beat on one knee all night long while I snore? Why am I having fantasies about my own personal Physical Therapist that tortures me so that I don’t notice what hurts because something new is more painful now? I mean I thought PT meant you could walk all over Costco. That’s enough PT for me.
For the Birds
Why do you automatically start watching birds after you retire? We are totally lost in it now. Why? I don’t see the birds watching us. None of them whips out their phone to identify what variety of human we are. They don’t even record our laughs or admire our grey hair. So why am I buying a variety of bird seeds, houses and feeders filled with the evil suet? I sure wouldn’t eat any. Unless the suet grease is bacon grease and then I might ruffle some feathers.
Weird Hair
Why does your hair get weird when it greys? Mine lost most of its curls and it’s as soft as a bristle pad. Do you think if I dyed it again it would get all curly? Stop laughing all you stylists out there. When you refuse to wear makeup or a bra, you’ve already lost all your style. And why do grey-headed women put that purple shampoo in their hair? Didn’t all our grandmothers have purple hair? I won’t use that stuff because I’m already too afraid to look in the mirror.
May I do You a Flavor?
Why are there 429 flavors of drinks they sell at the convenience store? We had Cherry, Strawberry and Grape. Today, we have Kiwi Raspberry Pickle soda and Mango Guacamole gummies. Why? As I’ve always said, the younger generations have no taste. I mean, I grew up when everybody’s seams had to match and nobody even knew what a kiwi was.
The Eternal Question
Why do all the drugs advertised on TV make you sing and dance?
Oh, why not.