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August 28, 2025
Well, Shut My Mouth
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
As I discovered recently, an almost 9-year-old girl must have “products” to make her beautiful skin supposedly even more beautiful. Granted if she starts early, maybe she’ll have no wrinkles when she’s in her 70s, but think about all the plastic surgeons that will be put out of work.
Luckily there’s a new trend on the horizon for us old folks that I was not aware of until Very Best Friend told me her story.
VBF: When my girlfriend and I went on vacation, bedtime was hilarious. She’d take out her hearing aids, I’d tape my mouth shut and then all we could do was hand signal each other because she couldn't hear and I couldn’t talk.
ME: Uh, taping your mouth with what? Duct tape? I’d pay good money to see that.
VBF: No, no, no. It’s a product you can buy but I must trim it a bit because it’s a little too wide and a little long.
ME: So let me get this straight. You travel with mouth tape and scissors everywhere you go?
VBF: Exactly.
Me: Remember the good old days when all we traveled with was too many shoes?
I couldn’t get the vision out of my mind of her sporting fluorescent orange duct tape stuck on her mouth. I asked My L’il Swimmer about it. After she quit laughing, she hit the all-knowing Google or Siri or AI or whatever robot was available who instantly brought up a video commercial of a very young influencer touting all the advantages of mouth tape. All I could think was, “They can’t ever shut me up. Day or night.”
But I needed to know more. I pressed VBF.
ME: So, what makes you think you need to tape your mouth shut, other than the obvious.
VBF: I’ve turned into a mouth breather!
ME: Oh, the horror!
VBF: No, it’s a serious condition. I know. I Googled it.
ME: Ok, Doc, tell me about your condition.
VBF: Well, I breath through my mouth when I sleep and it’s really drying out my mouth to the point of hurting. So, I use the mouth tape to keep my mouth closed, though I cut a little hole on one side so I can fit a straw through there and drink water if I need to.
ME: I’d pay good money to see that, too. I guess if you’re serious about this, why don’t you put a strip on your nose to open it up and some duct tape across your forehead to smooth out the wrinkles? Come to think of it, can I draw on your tape with a permanent marker?
That’s when she hung up on me.
I guess we’re both fortunate that our hearts and cholesterol are in great shape but is this really what my future holds? Just don’t let My Future Husband know or he might start using that tape on me all the time.
I’ll shut up now.
Luckily there’s a new trend on the horizon for us old folks that I was not aware of until Very Best Friend told me her story.
VBF: When my girlfriend and I went on vacation, bedtime was hilarious. She’d take out her hearing aids, I’d tape my mouth shut and then all we could do was hand signal each other because she couldn't hear and I couldn’t talk.
ME: Uh, taping your mouth with what? Duct tape? I’d pay good money to see that.
VBF: No, no, no. It’s a product you can buy but I must trim it a bit because it’s a little too wide and a little long.
ME: So let me get this straight. You travel with mouth tape and scissors everywhere you go?
VBF: Exactly.
Me: Remember the good old days when all we traveled with was too many shoes?
I couldn’t get the vision out of my mind of her sporting fluorescent orange duct tape stuck on her mouth. I asked My L’il Swimmer about it. After she quit laughing, she hit the all-knowing Google or Siri or AI or whatever robot was available who instantly brought up a video commercial of a very young influencer touting all the advantages of mouth tape. All I could think was, “They can’t ever shut me up. Day or night.”
But I needed to know more. I pressed VBF.
ME: So, what makes you think you need to tape your mouth shut, other than the obvious.
VBF: I’ve turned into a mouth breather!
ME: Oh, the horror!
VBF: No, it’s a serious condition. I know. I Googled it.
ME: Ok, Doc, tell me about your condition.
VBF: Well, I breath through my mouth when I sleep and it’s really drying out my mouth to the point of hurting. So, I use the mouth tape to keep my mouth closed, though I cut a little hole on one side so I can fit a straw through there and drink water if I need to.
ME: I’d pay good money to see that, too. I guess if you’re serious about this, why don’t you put a strip on your nose to open it up and some duct tape across your forehead to smooth out the wrinkles? Come to think of it, can I draw on your tape with a permanent marker?
That’s when she hung up on me.
I guess we’re both fortunate that our hearts and cholesterol are in great shape but is this really what my future holds? Just don’t let My Future Husband know or he might start using that tape on me all the time.
I’ll shut up now.