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November 7, 2025
They Lied
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Retire, they said. The world will be your oyster. Travel, read, dance, drink and enjoy your golden years. They lied.
Here are 10 things they didn’t tell you about retirement and aging, which go hand in hand. Let’s break them down, shall we?
Electronics
I know, I know. As my parents aged, my knowledge of VCRs and cable television was invaluable. So why can’t I figure out how many things my iPhone can do? It could come in handy one day when my hip breaks and I fall. I’m taking Very Best Friend and myself to visit the Genius Bar at the Apple Store so we can act like we know all phone things – until we forget them and a new model comes out.
Opening Anything
Somehow. we’re inundated with sealed everything. Ketchup? Gotta seal it or someone might mistake it for blood. Gatorade? Please use a pair of pliers to open. Pop off can lids? That’s only a test of your determination. I guess when you’re retired, hermetically sealed is an AARP event. Wait. To heck with Pickle Ball. Let’s all sit around and try to open things.
Lingo
We were cool, our kids were Dudes and now we have 6-7 because it’s a great way to make teachers weep at their desks. Maybe lingo is one thing that we retirees shouldn’t bother with anymore? Can you feel me?
Sofas
Take a seat. At this point, standing up might be a challenge, so plop on a big soft couch, which is your best friend until the day it wears out and becomes your mortal enemy. Then one day your sofa decides to keep you sitting, because you can’t get up since you’re stuck, due to the obligatory shrinking disease.
Vision
None one of us can drive in the dark anymore (or just don’t want to), so there are lots of options for us. Cataract surgery is all the rage. Personally, I’ve bought stock in reading glasses because one simply must have readers in every single room of the house. I keep mine with Alexa so she can remind me where I left my latest pair.
Cleanliness
I can no longer reach the dust bunnies 12 feet above me. It takes two people to make a bed, though why do we care? We’re retired and clean sheets help us to pretend we are in a hotel for the night. And changing the bed is our exercise of the day. The rest of the house is littered with things that we can no longer bend down far enough to pick up.
Tiny Print
Magazines, papers and the To-Go ordering menu keep shrinking, making it impossible for me to see the calories of a large order of fries. Hey, maybe that’s for the best anyway.
Let’s Split
When we do venture out to eat, and yes, it’s early because we don’t want to drive in the dark, we usually split something because neither of us can eat that much anymore. I don’t know if it’s all that couch sitting, but I do know that cutting my food intake in half does not equal losing weight. Retire and enjoy your fatness!
Things that Hurt
Why do new things begin to hurt when I get up in the morning? I’ve been sleeping. My body should be good to go. Instead, things in my body throw a “hurt her” party as I snore. I don’t want to way up hurting, Dudes, I want to wake up rich.
Here are 10 things they didn’t tell you about retirement and aging, which go hand in hand. Let’s break them down, shall we?
Electronics
I know, I know. As my parents aged, my knowledge of VCRs and cable television was invaluable. So why can’t I figure out how many things my iPhone can do? It could come in handy one day when my hip breaks and I fall. I’m taking Very Best Friend and myself to visit the Genius Bar at the Apple Store so we can act like we know all phone things – until we forget them and a new model comes out.
Opening Anything
Somehow. we’re inundated with sealed everything. Ketchup? Gotta seal it or someone might mistake it for blood. Gatorade? Please use a pair of pliers to open. Pop off can lids? That’s only a test of your determination. I guess when you’re retired, hermetically sealed is an AARP event. Wait. To heck with Pickle Ball. Let’s all sit around and try to open things.
Lingo
We were cool, our kids were Dudes and now we have 6-7 because it’s a great way to make teachers weep at their desks. Maybe lingo is one thing that we retirees shouldn’t bother with anymore? Can you feel me?
Sofas
Take a seat. At this point, standing up might be a challenge, so plop on a big soft couch, which is your best friend until the day it wears out and becomes your mortal enemy. Then one day your sofa decides to keep you sitting, because you can’t get up since you’re stuck, due to the obligatory shrinking disease.
Vision
None one of us can drive in the dark anymore (or just don’t want to), so there are lots of options for us. Cataract surgery is all the rage. Personally, I’ve bought stock in reading glasses because one simply must have readers in every single room of the house. I keep mine with Alexa so she can remind me where I left my latest pair.
Cleanliness
I can no longer reach the dust bunnies 12 feet above me. It takes two people to make a bed, though why do we care? We’re retired and clean sheets help us to pretend we are in a hotel for the night. And changing the bed is our exercise of the day. The rest of the house is littered with things that we can no longer bend down far enough to pick up.
Tiny Print
Magazines, papers and the To-Go ordering menu keep shrinking, making it impossible for me to see the calories of a large order of fries. Hey, maybe that’s for the best anyway.
Let’s Split
When we do venture out to eat, and yes, it’s early because we don’t want to drive in the dark, we usually split something because neither of us can eat that much anymore. I don’t know if it’s all that couch sitting, but I do know that cutting my food intake in half does not equal losing weight. Retire and enjoy your fatness!
Things that Hurt
Why do new things begin to hurt when I get up in the morning? I’ve been sleeping. My body should be good to go. Instead, things in my body throw a “hurt her” party as I snore. I don’t want to way up hurting, Dudes, I want to wake up rich.