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November 13, 2025
Now Hiring
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
After you retire, you really don’t need LinkedIn anymore. Sure, I’m LinkedIn with couch sitting and breaking down boxes, but that’s about it. They don’t offer jobs for those activities, or do they?
My best friend Google and I had a discussion because I asked the Cloud in the Sky to name funny, unusual jobs; possibly something I could do in between couch sitting. I think I could handle some of these.
Professional Cuddler
This person gets paid to cuddle with you? I need to start charging My Future Husband as he’s the biggest cuddler I’ve ever run across. Heck, I could be a millionaire by now!
Golf Ball Diver
This lucky stiff gets to retrieve golf balls from all the water hazards on the golf course. If you’ve never played golf, more balls go in the water than they do on the green. I’ve not only played golf, I lived on a golf course where more balls crashed into my windows than into the water. Still, I had good insurance and a large bucket of free golf balls.
Odor Judger/Sniffer
Not a job for me. I can’t even stand all the smells on the detergent aisle. But if you’ve got a great sniffer, you might consider evaluating the smells of products like deodorant or gum by smelling people’s breath, feet, or armpits. This job just stinks.
Fortune Cookie Writer
I’m game! Most fortune cookies are dumb. I could come up with clever lines like, “You won’t win the lottery today. Maybe tomorrow.” Or “What time do the Chinese go to the dentist? Tooth Hurtie.” I’ll give you a minute.
Face Feeler
This creep works for companies that produce skincare products to test the feel of their products on the face. You know, I’ve had makeovers before at the department store, but it didn’t feel like anyone was feeling my face. There’s probably a job for toe suckers, too.
Professional Mourner
This person is hired to weep at funerals as part of tradition. Aren’t there actual people that do this in real life? If the weeper is the only one in the room, is it kind of like the tree in the forest? Guess it helps if you can cry on cue.
Chicken Sexer
This lucky cuss gets to determine the sex of a newly hatched chick. I thought chickens were all girls and roosters were boys. I must have flunked biology because I didn’t think boys could lay eggs. My brain is scarmbled.
Dog Food Taster
Evidently, just like people food, dog food needs to be taste-tested as well. Since dogs can’t communicate (wait mine can when they won’t eat the new dog food), they hire people to taste the dog food. It’s a pretty ruff job.
Dice Quality Inspector
When you roll dice, it’s important that the numbers land face up. Even a small imbalance could, in fact, make your dice rigged. I’d love to get some of those rejected dice. Of course, then I would turn into a crooked gambler and end up in jail for unbalanced dice used by an unbalanced woman.
Maybe you were unfortunate and had one of these jobs, so I understand why you retired. For the rest of us, aren’t we all happy with our chosen career paths? And that our paths now lead directly to the couch.
My best friend Google and I had a discussion because I asked the Cloud in the Sky to name funny, unusual jobs; possibly something I could do in between couch sitting. I think I could handle some of these.
Professional Cuddler
This person gets paid to cuddle with you? I need to start charging My Future Husband as he’s the biggest cuddler I’ve ever run across. Heck, I could be a millionaire by now!
Golf Ball Diver
This lucky stiff gets to retrieve golf balls from all the water hazards on the golf course. If you’ve never played golf, more balls go in the water than they do on the green. I’ve not only played golf, I lived on a golf course where more balls crashed into my windows than into the water. Still, I had good insurance and a large bucket of free golf balls.
Odor Judger/Sniffer
Not a job for me. I can’t even stand all the smells on the detergent aisle. But if you’ve got a great sniffer, you might consider evaluating the smells of products like deodorant or gum by smelling people’s breath, feet, or armpits. This job just stinks.
Fortune Cookie Writer
I’m game! Most fortune cookies are dumb. I could come up with clever lines like, “You won’t win the lottery today. Maybe tomorrow.” Or “What time do the Chinese go to the dentist? Tooth Hurtie.” I’ll give you a minute.
Face Feeler
This creep works for companies that produce skincare products to test the feel of their products on the face. You know, I’ve had makeovers before at the department store, but it didn’t feel like anyone was feeling my face. There’s probably a job for toe suckers, too.
Professional Mourner
This person is hired to weep at funerals as part of tradition. Aren’t there actual people that do this in real life? If the weeper is the only one in the room, is it kind of like the tree in the forest? Guess it helps if you can cry on cue.
Chicken Sexer
This lucky cuss gets to determine the sex of a newly hatched chick. I thought chickens were all girls and roosters were boys. I must have flunked biology because I didn’t think boys could lay eggs. My brain is scarmbled.
Dog Food Taster
Evidently, just like people food, dog food needs to be taste-tested as well. Since dogs can’t communicate (wait mine can when they won’t eat the new dog food), they hire people to taste the dog food. It’s a pretty ruff job.
Dice Quality Inspector
When you roll dice, it’s important that the numbers land face up. Even a small imbalance could, in fact, make your dice rigged. I’d love to get some of those rejected dice. Of course, then I would turn into a crooked gambler and end up in jail for unbalanced dice used by an unbalanced woman.
Maybe you were unfortunate and had one of these jobs, so I understand why you retired. For the rest of us, aren’t we all happy with our chosen career paths? And that our paths now lead directly to the couch.