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December 11, 2025
Santa's New Sleigh
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Desperate for a giant red Christmas bow atop a shiny new car while suffering through the December car commercials, I gussied up in my not-so-fancy-I’m-poor-but-I-deserve-a-deal-on-an-ever-so-gently-used-cream-puff-vehicle outfit, I grabbed My Future Husband and headed to the Big City. The used car world was my oyster.
Off we went to the land of all vehicles in the universe, or as they call it, CarMax. In this magic “look around yourself and if you find something you can’t live without come check in and we’ll get to you in a while” world, you can wander six rows of used SUVs all on your own. If I’d have known, I’d have brought a picnic lunch.
After getting our steps in for the day and luckily not requiring a 911 call, we wandered off the lot because staring into so many locked cars’ windows, I started to feel like learning to pick a lock in my youth might have come in handy while car shopping.
Realizing that most of those cars they advertise on TV were pretty boring inside, I opted to go fancy and check out the Lincoln dealership. It did not go well.
First Available Salesman: Hi! Looking for your next $125,000 car?
ME: I’m here to look at used cars.
FAS: (Silence…) I’ll find someone for you.
Thirty seconds later:
Second Available Salesman: Looking for your next $125,000 car?
ME: I’m here to look at used cars.
SAS: (Silence…) I’ll find someone for you.
This went on a couple more times with unbelievable offers of bottled water. I bet if we weren’t Used Car Lookers, they might have offered up some eggnog.
Finally, a “used guy” wandered up, ushered us into a brand-new Lincoln and drove us to the used car lot down the street where a whole bunch of used cars were hiding in a back lot. I wanted to buy every single one because I felt so sorry for the way they were being treated. It was the Island of Misfit Toy Cars. Our retreat was swift.
Used, but not broken, I pressed on to the Cadillac boys. Being a former owner of many a Cadillac, I was hopeful I could enter the upscale world again even though I live out in the dusty land of the beat-up pick-up truck. Sometimes, even an old lady needs to have a little Hill Country class.
Amazingly, the angels sang as we walked in and a nice young unintimidating man waltzed up and begged to help us find the perfect used Cadillac. And he did. A couple of years old, only 33,000 miles with every bell and whistle that a North Dallas only child could desire. Frankly, he had me at the service department tour that serves freshly baked cookies while you wait. Not wine, but not bad at all.
So, I bought myself a sexy black Cadillac SUV even though I have no idea if it’s even got a spare tire. Details, details. A Cadillac light shines down on the ground when I exit the car in the dark. Too bad I only wear flats today and none of them are Jimmy Choos because then I could take pictures of my feet and post them on Instagram.
Even though I don’t have all the bells and whistles figured out yet, I still have a Cadillac and with that comes some responsibilities, even though I live in the country. Whenever I head to town – small, medium or large – I still need to dress nice, put on my makeup and wear earrings because if I don’t, my automatic hatch back just might refuse to open.
Such pressure.
Off we went to the land of all vehicles in the universe, or as they call it, CarMax. In this magic “look around yourself and if you find something you can’t live without come check in and we’ll get to you in a while” world, you can wander six rows of used SUVs all on your own. If I’d have known, I’d have brought a picnic lunch.
After getting our steps in for the day and luckily not requiring a 911 call, we wandered off the lot because staring into so many locked cars’ windows, I started to feel like learning to pick a lock in my youth might have come in handy while car shopping.
Realizing that most of those cars they advertise on TV were pretty boring inside, I opted to go fancy and check out the Lincoln dealership. It did not go well.
First Available Salesman: Hi! Looking for your next $125,000 car?
ME: I’m here to look at used cars.
FAS: (Silence…) I’ll find someone for you.
Thirty seconds later:
Second Available Salesman: Looking for your next $125,000 car?
ME: I’m here to look at used cars.
SAS: (Silence…) I’ll find someone for you.
This went on a couple more times with unbelievable offers of bottled water. I bet if we weren’t Used Car Lookers, they might have offered up some eggnog.
Finally, a “used guy” wandered up, ushered us into a brand-new Lincoln and drove us to the used car lot down the street where a whole bunch of used cars were hiding in a back lot. I wanted to buy every single one because I felt so sorry for the way they were being treated. It was the Island of Misfit Toy Cars. Our retreat was swift.
Used, but not broken, I pressed on to the Cadillac boys. Being a former owner of many a Cadillac, I was hopeful I could enter the upscale world again even though I live out in the dusty land of the beat-up pick-up truck. Sometimes, even an old lady needs to have a little Hill Country class.
Amazingly, the angels sang as we walked in and a nice young unintimidating man waltzed up and begged to help us find the perfect used Cadillac. And he did. A couple of years old, only 33,000 miles with every bell and whistle that a North Dallas only child could desire. Frankly, he had me at the service department tour that serves freshly baked cookies while you wait. Not wine, but not bad at all.
So, I bought myself a sexy black Cadillac SUV even though I have no idea if it’s even got a spare tire. Details, details. A Cadillac light shines down on the ground when I exit the car in the dark. Too bad I only wear flats today and none of them are Jimmy Choos because then I could take pictures of my feet and post them on Instagram.
Even though I don’t have all the bells and whistles figured out yet, I still have a Cadillac and with that comes some responsibilities, even though I live in the country. Whenever I head to town – small, medium or large – I still need to dress nice, put on my makeup and wear earrings because if I don’t, my automatic hatch back just might refuse to open.
Such pressure.