July 2, 2021
The Diet from Healthy Hell
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
“I’ve been on most every diet there is.” Right ladies? For me, the two most memorable were the “Grapefruit and Hardboiled Eggs Most Terrible Torture Diet Ever” and the “Fast Until I See Aliens from Another Universe Diet.” But this latest fad diet makes me glad I’m old enough to know, even if I lose 30 pounds, I’ll still look like an old lady after menopause.
Food-aceuticals (name and spelling via WebMD) is the latest diet trend. Actually, it’s a food trend, but because you are eating for health and wellness, I’d call that a damn diet. And what do you get to eat on this lifestyle diet? A bunch of sticks and leaves peppered with some really weird spices and grains. Grapefruit and hardboiled eggs sound really good right about now.
No, no, it’s not a diet. It’s “culinary medicine.” You know, like Ensure. Ok, I’ll try to stop so I can actually educate you. This is an anti-inflammatory diet meaning you might never have to experience spontaneous human combustion. Dang, there I go again.
Seriously, it’s all about your alkaline, phytochemicals and polymeals. Bored yet? Me, too. Here’s the kind of “stuff” you can eat. I’m a former menu copy copywriter, so I’m going to try and sell you a dish.
Regenerative grass-fed beef topped with digestive herbs and spices, served with sweet potato stuffed collard shells, shawarma-spiced cauliflower, beet sugar and adaptogenic acai powder. With a side of goat milk. (Dude, spellcheck has never even heard of adaptogenic.)
I can hear H-E-B licking their chops. Even Beyond Beef Burgers are starting to sound good.
The idea is if you eat for health, you will be healthy. Of course, you must exercise like a maniac, meditate every 15 minutes and only drink one 4-ounce glass of organic sugar free wine infused with chia seeds once a week. I think I’d rather just feel old.
Really, there’s research. Like remember when they said wine and chocolate were actually good for you? So you went out and bought 14 “healthy” chocolate bars and 12 bottles of wine just to get that 20-percent discount? Well, that was the beginning of this trend. Antioxidants are good for everybody! So is fish oil. Grab yourself some mackerel. Just don’t eat the crackers if you are Keto.
And then those pesky little researchers who told you eggs would ruin your cholesterol and raw cookie dough could kill you (for me, it was obviously only brain damage) decided that anti-inflammatory everything was good for everybody and so was eating lots of cruciferous vegetables and fish so you would live forever. They even studied those weird people who live to be 127 without drinking wine. Who’d really want to live that long without a glass or three of wine now and then?
Of course, there’s a bunch of chefs out there who want to come up with the “latest trend”- you know like all the food stacked up on top of itself on a plate. I’d prefer you separate mine so I can see my meat, veggie and starch, thank you. Well, forget stackable food – now they want it organically raised by vegans, cooked without actually injuring any of those antioxidants and sprinkled with Sephardic spices. If I ever encounter one of these restaurants, I’m thinking that Fasting Diet sounds really good.
Just beware. First there was Gluten Free, then there was Keto and now there’s Sticks and Leaves. Remember, this food is really good (for you) but maybe not so much for the rest of us…
Food-aceuticals (name and spelling via WebMD) is the latest diet trend. Actually, it’s a food trend, but because you are eating for health and wellness, I’d call that a damn diet. And what do you get to eat on this lifestyle diet? A bunch of sticks and leaves peppered with some really weird spices and grains. Grapefruit and hardboiled eggs sound really good right about now.
No, no, it’s not a diet. It’s “culinary medicine.” You know, like Ensure. Ok, I’ll try to stop so I can actually educate you. This is an anti-inflammatory diet meaning you might never have to experience spontaneous human combustion. Dang, there I go again.
Seriously, it’s all about your alkaline, phytochemicals and polymeals. Bored yet? Me, too. Here’s the kind of “stuff” you can eat. I’m a former menu copy copywriter, so I’m going to try and sell you a dish.
Regenerative grass-fed beef topped with digestive herbs and spices, served with sweet potato stuffed collard shells, shawarma-spiced cauliflower, beet sugar and adaptogenic acai powder. With a side of goat milk. (Dude, spellcheck has never even heard of adaptogenic.)
I can hear H-E-B licking their chops. Even Beyond Beef Burgers are starting to sound good.
The idea is if you eat for health, you will be healthy. Of course, you must exercise like a maniac, meditate every 15 minutes and only drink one 4-ounce glass of organic sugar free wine infused with chia seeds once a week. I think I’d rather just feel old.
Really, there’s research. Like remember when they said wine and chocolate were actually good for you? So you went out and bought 14 “healthy” chocolate bars and 12 bottles of wine just to get that 20-percent discount? Well, that was the beginning of this trend. Antioxidants are good for everybody! So is fish oil. Grab yourself some mackerel. Just don’t eat the crackers if you are Keto.
And then those pesky little researchers who told you eggs would ruin your cholesterol and raw cookie dough could kill you (for me, it was obviously only brain damage) decided that anti-inflammatory everything was good for everybody and so was eating lots of cruciferous vegetables and fish so you would live forever. They even studied those weird people who live to be 127 without drinking wine. Who’d really want to live that long without a glass or three of wine now and then?
Of course, there’s a bunch of chefs out there who want to come up with the “latest trend”- you know like all the food stacked up on top of itself on a plate. I’d prefer you separate mine so I can see my meat, veggie and starch, thank you. Well, forget stackable food – now they want it organically raised by vegans, cooked without actually injuring any of those antioxidants and sprinkled with Sephardic spices. If I ever encounter one of these restaurants, I’m thinking that Fasting Diet sounds really good.
Just beware. First there was Gluten Free, then there was Keto and now there’s Sticks and Leaves. Remember, this food is really good (for you) but maybe not so much for the rest of us…