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February 25, 2022
Specials Orders Don’t Upset Us
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Very Best Friend fancies herself as a “Stay at home Chef.” She hardly uses a recipe and has a fridge full of condiments I’ve never heard of. VBF will try anything weird and different. In fact, she was first to go “Beyond Burgers.” Lucky for her because you should hear all the different ways she has to cook now.
Though our generation grew up with a meat and two vegetables plate, a couple of generations ago, people started to eat really weird. You know like Vegetarian.
Yes, for her cooking talents, the Universe has rewarded Very Best Friend with three second-marriage “inherited” daughters and one of her very own. Her own daughter enjoys a steak or chopped beef on bun, but the other three all have their “special” needs.
And this is where it gets weird.
First let me explain to you what a Vegetarian actually eats. They don’t eat meat. They might eat eggs, fish or potato chips, but they base their diet on vegetables and are probably the people that eat every meal out a bowl or drink a weird colored smoothie. This way of life leaves pepperoni pizza out, so I’ll never be a Vegetarian. Not that I wanted to, anyway.
A Vegan is someone a bit more picky. They totally exclude all meat and animal products, eggs, fish, poultry, octopus, and anything other than massaged kale, I guess. There are no Texans on this diet because of, well, barbeque. I mean, really.
Now that you’ve got the two basic kinds of weird “eating lifestyles” down, let’s talk about those three inherited daughters.
The youngest of the three is a Pescatarian. Yeah, I know, I didn’t know what it meant either. It means you mainly eat vegetables, but you might have a piece of chicken or fish occasionally. It also means you can eat as many Cheez-its as you’d like, and ice cream is no big deal. So, this daughter basically avoids meat. Hence Beyond Burgers. Like Very Best Friend says, “They’re fine! Just season the hell out of one, grill it, melt cheese on it, get a really tasty bun and pile on the lettuce, tomato and onion and if you squint just right, it sort of tastes like a burger.” Pass.
The middle child is the strictest of the three – she’s the Vegan; so, she and her husband moved to Connecticut because, like I said, nobody in Texas eats like that. Oh, and she refuses to eat anything that has a face. Lovely.
But the oldest is the funniest of them all. We refer to her as an Opportunitarian because she is strictly Vegetarian until she smells bacon. And then she forgets all about her lifestyle. Same thing with barbeque because she lives in Texas.
It all drives me a bit mad, but VBF doesn’t seem to care. Like she says, “I’ve always got pasta, mushrooms, pesto and parmesan cheese. I can feed even the weirdest one with that.” Doesn’t really make me want to jump in the car and come right over.
I make a great waffle and whatever else the heck I please because special orders do upset me. You eat what I make, and you’ll like it, by cracky.
There is one hope to all this weird eating madness – it’s made Very Best Friend and I realize what we are – Wineatarians. And we’re easy because we like all kinds of wine, plus we know just the right wine to go with Texas barbeque.
Though our generation grew up with a meat and two vegetables plate, a couple of generations ago, people started to eat really weird. You know like Vegetarian.
Yes, for her cooking talents, the Universe has rewarded Very Best Friend with three second-marriage “inherited” daughters and one of her very own. Her own daughter enjoys a steak or chopped beef on bun, but the other three all have their “special” needs.
And this is where it gets weird.
First let me explain to you what a Vegetarian actually eats. They don’t eat meat. They might eat eggs, fish or potato chips, but they base their diet on vegetables and are probably the people that eat every meal out a bowl or drink a weird colored smoothie. This way of life leaves pepperoni pizza out, so I’ll never be a Vegetarian. Not that I wanted to, anyway.
A Vegan is someone a bit more picky. They totally exclude all meat and animal products, eggs, fish, poultry, octopus, and anything other than massaged kale, I guess. There are no Texans on this diet because of, well, barbeque. I mean, really.
Now that you’ve got the two basic kinds of weird “eating lifestyles” down, let’s talk about those three inherited daughters.
The youngest of the three is a Pescatarian. Yeah, I know, I didn’t know what it meant either. It means you mainly eat vegetables, but you might have a piece of chicken or fish occasionally. It also means you can eat as many Cheez-its as you’d like, and ice cream is no big deal. So, this daughter basically avoids meat. Hence Beyond Burgers. Like Very Best Friend says, “They’re fine! Just season the hell out of one, grill it, melt cheese on it, get a really tasty bun and pile on the lettuce, tomato and onion and if you squint just right, it sort of tastes like a burger.” Pass.
The middle child is the strictest of the three – she’s the Vegan; so, she and her husband moved to Connecticut because, like I said, nobody in Texas eats like that. Oh, and she refuses to eat anything that has a face. Lovely.
But the oldest is the funniest of them all. We refer to her as an Opportunitarian because she is strictly Vegetarian until she smells bacon. And then she forgets all about her lifestyle. Same thing with barbeque because she lives in Texas.
It all drives me a bit mad, but VBF doesn’t seem to care. Like she says, “I’ve always got pasta, mushrooms, pesto and parmesan cheese. I can feed even the weirdest one with that.” Doesn’t really make me want to jump in the car and come right over.
I make a great waffle and whatever else the heck I please because special orders do upset me. You eat what I make, and you’ll like it, by cracky.
There is one hope to all this weird eating madness – it’s made Very Best Friend and I realize what we are – Wineatarians. And we’re easy because we like all kinds of wine, plus we know just the right wine to go with Texas barbeque.