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August 25, 2022
Mikie's Believe It or Not
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
As a whole, I believe we are a gullible sort. Scientists, major corporations, and drug companies all produce “studies” so they can convince us we should drink coffee so we won’t get cancer. Frankly, I still think the National Kale Producers had an overabundance of that vile stuff one year so they claimed, if you can digest kale, you can live forever. But why would you want to?
So that got me to thinking – what are some really weird studies out there that we could all learn from? You know, like milk builds strong bones – especially when it’s in a White Russian.
There’s actually a division of the Nobel Peace Prize that recognizes the unusual, surprising and just downright strange research. It’s called an “Ig Nobel” which is weird enough. But look at the kind of studies they have to deal with:
1.When you attach a weighted stick to a chicken’s butt, the chicken walks in the same manner that the dinosaurs are thought to have walked. And who, among us, has ever seen a dinosaur walk except in Jurassic Park? Know how those brainiacs figured this out? They attached a toilet plunger (the classic red rubber kind) to the chicken’s rear to figure this out. I think this study laid a big fat egg.
2.We now know how long it takes the average mammal (including humans) to empty its bladder. To figure it out, scientists spent a lot of time watching videos of animals peeing at the Atlanta Zoo. They should have spent more time by the men’s room at a hot dance club where they served ice cold beer.
3.One brave (sic) scientist got honeybees to sting him repeatedly in 25 different spots on his body to see which area hurt the most. This guy needs help. Maybe he needs to eat more kale. Top three spots? (I know you’re dying to not know.) His nose, upper lip, and his privates, though I think that should probably be listed first.
4. A TEAM of scientists figured out a way to (partially) un-boil an egg. Of course, it had to do with dumping chemicals on that poor egg, not attaching a plunger to the chicken’s butt. I wish they’d done a study on how to easily peel an egg instead.
5. Scientists learned there may be some surprising biological benefits of “intense kissing.” I bet you wonder how they figured this out. Well, they put a couple alone in a closed-door room while listening to soft music. I know Rod Stewart music makes me feel all mushy and romantic but intense kissing? Isn’t that why they invented ChapStick?
6. You can diagnose acute appendicitis by seeing how much pain patients experience when they are driven over a speed bump. Most days, driving over a speed bump gives me a bit of a thrill, but that’s because I’ve already had my appendix taken out. I suppose if you had a broken arm, that might hurt, too.
7.Could Moulay Ismael the Bloodthirsty – the Sharifian Emperor of Morocco – really father 888 children in just 30 years? Ok, we never studied this guy in school – not even in sex education. Instead of interviewing men who have 10 kids, they created a computer program that figured out he needed to have sex around 1.63 times a day to have all those kids. I just wonder how his wife put up with that.
I’m sure glad there’s one study I believe in – drinking wine every day is great for your health. I just don’t agree with the one glass a day part. I probably drink more because I don’t eat kale.
So that got me to thinking – what are some really weird studies out there that we could all learn from? You know, like milk builds strong bones – especially when it’s in a White Russian.
There’s actually a division of the Nobel Peace Prize that recognizes the unusual, surprising and just downright strange research. It’s called an “Ig Nobel” which is weird enough. But look at the kind of studies they have to deal with:
1.When you attach a weighted stick to a chicken’s butt, the chicken walks in the same manner that the dinosaurs are thought to have walked. And who, among us, has ever seen a dinosaur walk except in Jurassic Park? Know how those brainiacs figured this out? They attached a toilet plunger (the classic red rubber kind) to the chicken’s rear to figure this out. I think this study laid a big fat egg.
2.We now know how long it takes the average mammal (including humans) to empty its bladder. To figure it out, scientists spent a lot of time watching videos of animals peeing at the Atlanta Zoo. They should have spent more time by the men’s room at a hot dance club where they served ice cold beer.
3.One brave (sic) scientist got honeybees to sting him repeatedly in 25 different spots on his body to see which area hurt the most. This guy needs help. Maybe he needs to eat more kale. Top three spots? (I know you’re dying to not know.) His nose, upper lip, and his privates, though I think that should probably be listed first.
4. A TEAM of scientists figured out a way to (partially) un-boil an egg. Of course, it had to do with dumping chemicals on that poor egg, not attaching a plunger to the chicken’s butt. I wish they’d done a study on how to easily peel an egg instead.
5. Scientists learned there may be some surprising biological benefits of “intense kissing.” I bet you wonder how they figured this out. Well, they put a couple alone in a closed-door room while listening to soft music. I know Rod Stewart music makes me feel all mushy and romantic but intense kissing? Isn’t that why they invented ChapStick?
6. You can diagnose acute appendicitis by seeing how much pain patients experience when they are driven over a speed bump. Most days, driving over a speed bump gives me a bit of a thrill, but that’s because I’ve already had my appendix taken out. I suppose if you had a broken arm, that might hurt, too.
7.Could Moulay Ismael the Bloodthirsty – the Sharifian Emperor of Morocco – really father 888 children in just 30 years? Ok, we never studied this guy in school – not even in sex education. Instead of interviewing men who have 10 kids, they created a computer program that figured out he needed to have sex around 1.63 times a day to have all those kids. I just wonder how his wife put up with that.
I’m sure glad there’s one study I believe in – drinking wine every day is great for your health. I just don’t agree with the one glass a day part. I probably drink more because I don’t eat kale.