March 30, 2023
Believe It or Not
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
The other day, My Future Husband (who can see now) popped up with what he considered an interesting fact after reading it on the Internet. His revelation involved Eyebrow Mites. That’s one weird fact I really don’t need to know. But let’s jump right in, anyway.
Time to Scrub
Everyone is born with Eyebrow Mites. They are called Mitelettes. Sounds like a punk band. You get the same kind of mites as your mom. Gee, thanks mom. They really like the grease on your face so I must have had a million of them running around mine when I was a teenager. Maybe it was them and not hormones after all. Luckily, each one of these little suckers only lives for about two weeks. But when you are asleep at night they mate and lay their eggs. That means that even the never-been-married old weird Cat Lady is participating in an orgy every night. Now I need to go wash my eyebrows.
Humming
In a happy mood and want to hum a little ditty? Well, you can’t if you hold your nose. Go ahead, try it. I’ll wait. If the air can’t escape from your nose, you’ve got no hum. Hmm.
Selfies
The English are so stiff. Back in the 1840s, Brits thought that a grin was tacky and childish, so some London photographer told people to say “prunes” to keep their mouths taut. When our ancestors all moved across the pond to America, Kraft was the first company to come up with everyone saying, “Cheese!” Ok, I made that last part up.
Zip Codes
The Empire State Building has its own zip code. Makes sense to me. I wish I was fancy enough to have my own zip code. Anyway, some guy named Robert Moon came up with zip codes in 1963. If you’re old enough, you’ll remember we didn’t have them before that. I was 9 and I didn’t care.
Are Berries Really Healthy for You?
The problem is strawberries aren’t berries. Neither are raspberries or blackberries. On the other hand, bananas, kiwis and watermelon are. And tomatoes aren’t vegetables, they are fruit. Unfortunately. I could care less. I eat whatever the heck I want no matter what it is. And pizza isn’t even from Italy. I can’t keep up. Maybe this could be a new diet. Only eat stuff that really isn’t that stuff.
Enjoy your Flight
Back to the UK. Scotland has the shortest commercial flight in the world. It takes 90 seconds and goes 1.7 miles from one island to another. I assume the plane doesn’t even go up in the air except for one little hop. And must you still stand in the TSA line for an hour and a half to get on the plane?
Let’s Have a Spot of Tea
Again, the British are weird. They say “prunes” when they smile and now this. Evidently tea is so important to them, all British military tanks are equipped to make tea. Really? Doesn’t the teacup crack when the mortar shell hits? Where do they store the crumpets?
It’s Time to Use “Indeed” to get a New Job
Evidently, Michelangelo was a disgruntled employee because he hated painting the Sistine Chapel. I don’t know – he laid down the whole time so hard could it have been? Anyway, he sent a poem to a friend complaining about his working conditions. Where’s a union when you need one? So here goes:
“I’ve already grown a goiter from this torture,
Hunched up here like a cat in Lombardy
(or anywhere else where the stagnant water’s poison.”)
Dang, Mike, I understand why you were a painter because you’re no poet.
Okay, enough weirdness for today. Now go wash your eyebrows.
Time to Scrub
Everyone is born with Eyebrow Mites. They are called Mitelettes. Sounds like a punk band. You get the same kind of mites as your mom. Gee, thanks mom. They really like the grease on your face so I must have had a million of them running around mine when I was a teenager. Maybe it was them and not hormones after all. Luckily, each one of these little suckers only lives for about two weeks. But when you are asleep at night they mate and lay their eggs. That means that even the never-been-married old weird Cat Lady is participating in an orgy every night. Now I need to go wash my eyebrows.
Humming
In a happy mood and want to hum a little ditty? Well, you can’t if you hold your nose. Go ahead, try it. I’ll wait. If the air can’t escape from your nose, you’ve got no hum. Hmm.
Selfies
The English are so stiff. Back in the 1840s, Brits thought that a grin was tacky and childish, so some London photographer told people to say “prunes” to keep their mouths taut. When our ancestors all moved across the pond to America, Kraft was the first company to come up with everyone saying, “Cheese!” Ok, I made that last part up.
Zip Codes
The Empire State Building has its own zip code. Makes sense to me. I wish I was fancy enough to have my own zip code. Anyway, some guy named Robert Moon came up with zip codes in 1963. If you’re old enough, you’ll remember we didn’t have them before that. I was 9 and I didn’t care.
Are Berries Really Healthy for You?
The problem is strawberries aren’t berries. Neither are raspberries or blackberries. On the other hand, bananas, kiwis and watermelon are. And tomatoes aren’t vegetables, they are fruit. Unfortunately. I could care less. I eat whatever the heck I want no matter what it is. And pizza isn’t even from Italy. I can’t keep up. Maybe this could be a new diet. Only eat stuff that really isn’t that stuff.
Enjoy your Flight
Back to the UK. Scotland has the shortest commercial flight in the world. It takes 90 seconds and goes 1.7 miles from one island to another. I assume the plane doesn’t even go up in the air except for one little hop. And must you still stand in the TSA line for an hour and a half to get on the plane?
Let’s Have a Spot of Tea
Again, the British are weird. They say “prunes” when they smile and now this. Evidently tea is so important to them, all British military tanks are equipped to make tea. Really? Doesn’t the teacup crack when the mortar shell hits? Where do they store the crumpets?
It’s Time to Use “Indeed” to get a New Job
Evidently, Michelangelo was a disgruntled employee because he hated painting the Sistine Chapel. I don’t know – he laid down the whole time so hard could it have been? Anyway, he sent a poem to a friend complaining about his working conditions. Where’s a union when you need one? So here goes:
“I’ve already grown a goiter from this torture,
Hunched up here like a cat in Lombardy
(or anywhere else where the stagnant water’s poison.”)
Dang, Mike, I understand why you were a painter because you’re no poet.
Okay, enough weirdness for today. Now go wash your eyebrows.