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April 20, 2023
April Random Thoughts
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
It’s time again to clean out all those thoughts ruminating in my brain. Let’s start with the Traffic Guys on TV, shall we? I’ve never understood how you could watch the TV Traffic while you were driving in your car, anyway. Maybe that’s why there are so many traffic wrecks.
The Traffic Terrorist
I watch the morning television news so I can be worried about the world from very early in my day. The news isn’t as scary as the Traffic Guy because he tells everybody to PACK THEIR PATIENCE before they drive. How do you pack your patience? Is that like when you need a survival kit in your trunk up north so you can power through eight hours in your car when there’s a massive snowstorm? What am I supposed to pack my patience in, anyway? A large hanging bag, probably because I don’t have much patience to begin with. Maybe my makeup kit? I have absolutely no patience for him. (I hope the word Terrorist doesn’t get me kicked off Facebook.)
LEAVE ME ALONE
Why do people text in all capitals? I don’t want to be yelled at. DO THEY THINK THEY ARE EXTRA SPECIAL SO EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS EXTRA IMPORTANT? See, I’m already driving you crazy.
Country Living
When you move way out in the beautiful Hill Country far away from pizza delivery and streetlights, you become a person who no longer ventures out at night. Remember your twenties when you didn’t stop the party until the bar closed? Your car still delivered you home under all those streetlights. My evening social life is basically over now because I only have friends who want to meet for lunch because they don’t drive at night, either.
Men are Weird
Why do men need to “fix it right now?” I can simply mention a minor issue to My Future Husband about 9:00 in the evening and he will literally pop up off the couch and declare, “I’ll go outside in the pouring rain (I wish) and save you, my damsel in distress, right now” Geez. It’s really not that important. Calm down. I’d rather discuss it for an hour.
Musical Chairs
So MFH is having back issues, among all the other issues that older men have. Ladies, do you feel me? The back issues have led to a revolving set of chairs in the living room. First, he’s on the couch until he moves to the rocking chair for a while. Next, he hauls in a dining room chair with extra cushions. Then he moves to the leather chair. Excuse me, but maybe if he wouldn’t haul chairs around over the house, his back wouldn’t hurt. All I know is that Architectural Digest would never feature publications with rotating chairs. But maybe they should.
Bread
I know, I’m never supposed to eat white bread ever again, but I do have a thing for those delicious, buttery French Croissants that, to me, are the ultimate bread addiction. Slap more butter on them and enjoy the bliss. So, I was wondering what Neanderthal, after foraging meat for the family, looked at the Missus and said, “Can’t we have some buttery croissants to go with this wild boar?” And you need to invent butter. No, maybe it was Peppy Le Pew that came up with croissants to woo his lady. No matter how he stinks, I’d put up with him for the croissants.
Dang, my brain is getting pretty weird. Wonder when dementia will kick in? Think I’m going to sit in a random chair with my croissant and watch the traffic on the news.
The Traffic Terrorist
I watch the morning television news so I can be worried about the world from very early in my day. The news isn’t as scary as the Traffic Guy because he tells everybody to PACK THEIR PATIENCE before they drive. How do you pack your patience? Is that like when you need a survival kit in your trunk up north so you can power through eight hours in your car when there’s a massive snowstorm? What am I supposed to pack my patience in, anyway? A large hanging bag, probably because I don’t have much patience to begin with. Maybe my makeup kit? I have absolutely no patience for him. (I hope the word Terrorist doesn’t get me kicked off Facebook.)
LEAVE ME ALONE
Why do people text in all capitals? I don’t want to be yelled at. DO THEY THINK THEY ARE EXTRA SPECIAL SO EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS EXTRA IMPORTANT? See, I’m already driving you crazy.
Country Living
When you move way out in the beautiful Hill Country far away from pizza delivery and streetlights, you become a person who no longer ventures out at night. Remember your twenties when you didn’t stop the party until the bar closed? Your car still delivered you home under all those streetlights. My evening social life is basically over now because I only have friends who want to meet for lunch because they don’t drive at night, either.
Men are Weird
Why do men need to “fix it right now?” I can simply mention a minor issue to My Future Husband about 9:00 in the evening and he will literally pop up off the couch and declare, “I’ll go outside in the pouring rain (I wish) and save you, my damsel in distress, right now” Geez. It’s really not that important. Calm down. I’d rather discuss it for an hour.
Musical Chairs
So MFH is having back issues, among all the other issues that older men have. Ladies, do you feel me? The back issues have led to a revolving set of chairs in the living room. First, he’s on the couch until he moves to the rocking chair for a while. Next, he hauls in a dining room chair with extra cushions. Then he moves to the leather chair. Excuse me, but maybe if he wouldn’t haul chairs around over the house, his back wouldn’t hurt. All I know is that Architectural Digest would never feature publications with rotating chairs. But maybe they should.
Bread
I know, I’m never supposed to eat white bread ever again, but I do have a thing for those delicious, buttery French Croissants that, to me, are the ultimate bread addiction. Slap more butter on them and enjoy the bliss. So, I was wondering what Neanderthal, after foraging meat for the family, looked at the Missus and said, “Can’t we have some buttery croissants to go with this wild boar?” And you need to invent butter. No, maybe it was Peppy Le Pew that came up with croissants to woo his lady. No matter how he stinks, I’d put up with him for the croissants.
Dang, my brain is getting pretty weird. Wonder when dementia will kick in? Think I’m going to sit in a random chair with my croissant and watch the traffic on the news.