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August 31, 2023
Terrorized by Television
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Admittedly, we’ve been watching way too much television during the Heatwave from Hell. Hibernating in the summer heat can be terrifying, especially in your lifetime. Make that especially in your Lifetime. What?
Let me explain. There’s a cable station called Lifetime. You know them. They show all the Christmas movies in July and every day in December. They feature actresses that look half familiar, meaning they were one hit wonders.
And, frankly, I don’t watch any Lifetime movies because I actually have a life. They are probably targeting single women over 40 who live with lots of cats. I hear Lifetime’s unrelenting promos for upcoming movies all the time, so let’s just peruse them, shall we?
Cellmate Secrets
This Lifetime wonder must star incarcerated women because men just don’t tell secrets. Especially in jail. Remember the game “Gossip?” In the Lifetime world, this could get you a stint in solitary.
Bride and Prejudice
Man, what a title. I could have done a thesis on this instead of a book report on that idiotic book I read in high school. I might have gotten extra points for the silliest 1,200 words you ever read. Actually, this would be more interesting than the boring book.
Five Guys a Week
Don’t need to see it. I did that in the Swinging Sixties era and my stories are probably better. None of the guys, as far as I know, were half-rate actors. Well, there was that one…
Text Me When You Get Home
Terrifying except for the fact that none of us had cellphones when we were dating. It would have been much scarier if we had – think of all those photos that would have kept us from getting decent jobs.
Stolen by Their Father
As long as Dad was taking me for an ice cream cone, I was good to go. And there’s a high probability that Dearly Demented Mom would have never come looking for me. And I’m an only child so there’s that.
Desperate in Yellowstone
I’m a bit worried about this one. Is this going to be a series? Desperate in the Grand Canyon? Big Bend? So what? Let me get lost in Big Bend. Me and the Donkey Woman are good.
Girl in the Basement
Again, there are no basements in Texas, so I could maybe see “Girl in the Wrapping Room” as something really scary. Especially around Christmas. And I store all my wrapping paper under the bed, so that’s even spookier.
Hiding From My Husband
I do this all the time! If I don’t, he either needs to be fed, waited on or chased around the house. I’ve got great hiding spots, you know.
Trapped in the Cabin
This is the story of my life. We have a lovely cabin, referred to as HQ, that is our office and where I work and write my columns. Actually, this is one of the best places for “Hiding From My Husband.” There’s even a lock on the door.
Abducted By My Teacher
Now this one scares me to death. What is your teacher going to do anyway? Make you write “I won’t talk in class” one thousand times? Make you clean the erasers? Or, horror of horrors, sharpen pencils. Terrifying!
But, best of all, Lifetime carries the show, “Married at First Sight,” which I believe is the most idiotic thing a woman could ever do. Marry a guy you never met before? Instead, how about “Divorced at Last Sight?” Because you just know that’s going to happen. Think of the fabulous Divorce cakes!
I told you; the heat has gotten to me because I’m Googling “Lifetime Movies.” Think I’ll hide in the Cabin, wrap some Christmas presents and sharpen all my pencils.
Let me explain. There’s a cable station called Lifetime. You know them. They show all the Christmas movies in July and every day in December. They feature actresses that look half familiar, meaning they were one hit wonders.
And, frankly, I don’t watch any Lifetime movies because I actually have a life. They are probably targeting single women over 40 who live with lots of cats. I hear Lifetime’s unrelenting promos for upcoming movies all the time, so let’s just peruse them, shall we?
Cellmate Secrets
This Lifetime wonder must star incarcerated women because men just don’t tell secrets. Especially in jail. Remember the game “Gossip?” In the Lifetime world, this could get you a stint in solitary.
Bride and Prejudice
Man, what a title. I could have done a thesis on this instead of a book report on that idiotic book I read in high school. I might have gotten extra points for the silliest 1,200 words you ever read. Actually, this would be more interesting than the boring book.
Five Guys a Week
Don’t need to see it. I did that in the Swinging Sixties era and my stories are probably better. None of the guys, as far as I know, were half-rate actors. Well, there was that one…
Text Me When You Get Home
Terrifying except for the fact that none of us had cellphones when we were dating. It would have been much scarier if we had – think of all those photos that would have kept us from getting decent jobs.
Stolen by Their Father
As long as Dad was taking me for an ice cream cone, I was good to go. And there’s a high probability that Dearly Demented Mom would have never come looking for me. And I’m an only child so there’s that.
Desperate in Yellowstone
I’m a bit worried about this one. Is this going to be a series? Desperate in the Grand Canyon? Big Bend? So what? Let me get lost in Big Bend. Me and the Donkey Woman are good.
Girl in the Basement
Again, there are no basements in Texas, so I could maybe see “Girl in the Wrapping Room” as something really scary. Especially around Christmas. And I store all my wrapping paper under the bed, so that’s even spookier.
Hiding From My Husband
I do this all the time! If I don’t, he either needs to be fed, waited on or chased around the house. I’ve got great hiding spots, you know.
Trapped in the Cabin
This is the story of my life. We have a lovely cabin, referred to as HQ, that is our office and where I work and write my columns. Actually, this is one of the best places for “Hiding From My Husband.” There’s even a lock on the door.
Abducted By My Teacher
Now this one scares me to death. What is your teacher going to do anyway? Make you write “I won’t talk in class” one thousand times? Make you clean the erasers? Or, horror of horrors, sharpen pencils. Terrifying!
But, best of all, Lifetime carries the show, “Married at First Sight,” which I believe is the most idiotic thing a woman could ever do. Marry a guy you never met before? Instead, how about “Divorced at Last Sight?” Because you just know that’s going to happen. Think of the fabulous Divorce cakes!
I told you; the heat has gotten to me because I’m Googling “Lifetime Movies.” Think I’ll hide in the Cabin, wrap some Christmas presents and sharpen all my pencils.