October 5, 2023
City Mouse, Country Mouse
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Growing up in Big D, I was raised as a City Girl. I played with Barbie dolls and roller skated down a cement sidewalk with grooves in it which could land you on your rear. My Future Husband was raised on a farm and used to milk cows. Kinda hard to roller skate around all the cow patties.
Screaming, I ran away from the Big City when I turned 50. It was my mid-life rural crisis when Big City traffic jams finally drove me mad. At least that’s the excuse I’ve always used.
Anyway, since I’ve lived on both sides of the fence, I figured we should talk about the huge gap we have between City Folks and us Country Bumpkins. Since I’ve killed a snake with a hoe, squirted water on a racoon to break up a fight and got incensed by people who leave their outside lights on all night long so they can shine in my bedroom from a half mile away, I now consider myself to be countrified, so I am qualified to tell you our big differences. So, what are we missing out in the middle of nowhere?
Anything Getting Delivered
Craving a pizza? Need some medication pronto? Want an Uber? Not in the country. I haven’t had a pizza delivered to me in nearly 20 years. How are you supposed to raise children with no pizza delivery? I mean really. Even our mail is at a PO Box. At least when you drive into town to pick up your mail, Amazon deliveries and lottery tickets, you can wave at the other people on the road without fear of reprisal. And when the UPS driver actually drives to the ranch, it’s like the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street. Even the dogs get excited.
Subdivisions
We don’t need no stinking subdivisions. Every time one pops up on a rural road, we all freak out. Don’t pollute our rivers! We don’t like to see more than three or four cars on the road because that means there’s terrible traffic. It’s as bad as going to the Post Office and having to wait in a three-person line because it’s Christmas time. Three whole people in line can be shocking to rural folks.
5G
Got a phone with 5G capabilities? Great for you! We don’t care. We don’t have 5G. In fact, they’ve just started installing Broadband. It’ll take seven years to complete our small town, because even the workmen move slow around here. I’m still elated that we don’t have dial up anymore. It was still dial up when I moved here, and little Miss City Girl freaked out. That dial up sound can drive you plum crazy.
No Dress Code
When I moved from the Big City to the country, my friends were shocked that I didn’t bring any business suits, pantyhose or four-inch heels. And I’ve never seen any of those items worn by any women here. If they did, it would be that 20-year-old business suit that one of your friends forced you to bring. It’s only used for funerals and standing before a judge because you might have “lifted” a couple of sheep from your neighbor’s ranch. But you do need a couple of pairs of boots – the working ones and the fancy ones for going out to dinner in the Big City.
But you City People know that’s it's beautiful, dark and remote here, so you dash down for vacations, river trips and looking at eclipses. We’re glad to show you how the other half lives, but if you’d like a fresh, hot pizza in 30 minutes, you’re fresh out of luck.
Screaming, I ran away from the Big City when I turned 50. It was my mid-life rural crisis when Big City traffic jams finally drove me mad. At least that’s the excuse I’ve always used.
Anyway, since I’ve lived on both sides of the fence, I figured we should talk about the huge gap we have between City Folks and us Country Bumpkins. Since I’ve killed a snake with a hoe, squirted water on a racoon to break up a fight and got incensed by people who leave their outside lights on all night long so they can shine in my bedroom from a half mile away, I now consider myself to be countrified, so I am qualified to tell you our big differences. So, what are we missing out in the middle of nowhere?
Anything Getting Delivered
Craving a pizza? Need some medication pronto? Want an Uber? Not in the country. I haven’t had a pizza delivered to me in nearly 20 years. How are you supposed to raise children with no pizza delivery? I mean really. Even our mail is at a PO Box. At least when you drive into town to pick up your mail, Amazon deliveries and lottery tickets, you can wave at the other people on the road without fear of reprisal. And when the UPS driver actually drives to the ranch, it’s like the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street. Even the dogs get excited.
Subdivisions
We don’t need no stinking subdivisions. Every time one pops up on a rural road, we all freak out. Don’t pollute our rivers! We don’t like to see more than three or four cars on the road because that means there’s terrible traffic. It’s as bad as going to the Post Office and having to wait in a three-person line because it’s Christmas time. Three whole people in line can be shocking to rural folks.
5G
Got a phone with 5G capabilities? Great for you! We don’t care. We don’t have 5G. In fact, they’ve just started installing Broadband. It’ll take seven years to complete our small town, because even the workmen move slow around here. I’m still elated that we don’t have dial up anymore. It was still dial up when I moved here, and little Miss City Girl freaked out. That dial up sound can drive you plum crazy.
No Dress Code
When I moved from the Big City to the country, my friends were shocked that I didn’t bring any business suits, pantyhose or four-inch heels. And I’ve never seen any of those items worn by any women here. If they did, it would be that 20-year-old business suit that one of your friends forced you to bring. It’s only used for funerals and standing before a judge because you might have “lifted” a couple of sheep from your neighbor’s ranch. But you do need a couple of pairs of boots – the working ones and the fancy ones for going out to dinner in the Big City.
But you City People know that’s it's beautiful, dark and remote here, so you dash down for vacations, river trips and looking at eclipses. We’re glad to show you how the other half lives, but if you’d like a fresh, hot pizza in 30 minutes, you’re fresh out of luck.