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January 19, 2024
Changing of the Seasons
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
There was a bit of sticker shock when I moved to the Hill Country nearly 20 years ago. I wasn’t expecting Dial-Up Internet, a Cell Phone with only one bar, and deer who will eat anything including cactus when they’re having a Cactus Margarita Fiesta in your front yard. But there is one thing that I’ve never gotten used to, and that’s Hunker Down Season.
For you newcomers, I’d like to explain a bit about the Seasons in the Hill Country. They go this way:
Green Yuck Season
This is typically in early Spring and no matter where you park your car or how many times you wash said car, it will be mostly green for the whole yucky season. Luckily, you forget all that when the next season rolls around.
Normal Spring Season
This is the only good season in the Hill Country, and it lasts about three weeks. Activities include actually sitting outside, grilling all things beef, and planting pretty flowers that will all be dead by July. Ending on day 22, the mosquitoes take over because of:
Major Flood Season
Other than the last couple of years, it floods every spring and you newbies will finally learn to turn around, don’t drown, because all our water crossings are barricaded. Evidently you people just don’t listen. Fine. We’ll put giant sawhorses across the road so you can’t go around. So there. That’ll teach you.
Extreme Mosquito Season
Get prepared for this one early or you’ll make a fool of yourself standing outside the Giant Fix-It store begging for Mosquito Donuts. No, you do not eat them, you throw them in all standing water on your property, then you spray yourself down and light all the citronella torches you can get your hands on. And you don’t dare go outside.
Toxic Potato Salad Season
If you’re not eating your Fourth of July picnic at noon inside your house, your potato salad can give botulism to all your friends and relatives. You’re welcome for the tip.
Hibernation Season
This starts directly after July Fourth. Everyone hides out in the house with the air conditioning running full blast. It makes ERCOT mad and your local Electric Coop oh so happy. Just when you can take the heat no more, a magical thing happens. Somebody breaks out the pumpkin spice and Fall is on.
Season of the Witch
This season isn’t as famous as some of the others because, well, I invented it. It starts on October 1st and runs through October 31st when there is a giant birthday party and lots of presents for just me. Hey, it’s more fun than complaining that summer still isn’t over.
Over-Indulgence Season
Buy too many gifts, drink too much eggnog and eat everything in sight. So really, the Season of the Witch is the official start to Over-Indulgence, making this is a great time of year. You can even go back out on your porch again.
And finally, the very worst season of all:
Hunker Down Season
First off, all of a sudden it gets cold. I mean really cold. Drip the pipes cold. Everyone groans and complains while we suffer through four whole freezing days. And, horror of horrors, it means you must wear a coat if you dare go outside. Mostly we stay inside to avoid all the Evil Cedar Pollen blowing merrily through the Hills and into every crack in your house. You give up breathing until Valentine’s Day and then you start the seasons all over again.
Next week, we’ll be discussing the infamous Hill Country Rocks.
For you newcomers, I’d like to explain a bit about the Seasons in the Hill Country. They go this way:
Green Yuck Season
This is typically in early Spring and no matter where you park your car or how many times you wash said car, it will be mostly green for the whole yucky season. Luckily, you forget all that when the next season rolls around.
Normal Spring Season
This is the only good season in the Hill Country, and it lasts about three weeks. Activities include actually sitting outside, grilling all things beef, and planting pretty flowers that will all be dead by July. Ending on day 22, the mosquitoes take over because of:
Major Flood Season
Other than the last couple of years, it floods every spring and you newbies will finally learn to turn around, don’t drown, because all our water crossings are barricaded. Evidently you people just don’t listen. Fine. We’ll put giant sawhorses across the road so you can’t go around. So there. That’ll teach you.
Extreme Mosquito Season
Get prepared for this one early or you’ll make a fool of yourself standing outside the Giant Fix-It store begging for Mosquito Donuts. No, you do not eat them, you throw them in all standing water on your property, then you spray yourself down and light all the citronella torches you can get your hands on. And you don’t dare go outside.
Toxic Potato Salad Season
If you’re not eating your Fourth of July picnic at noon inside your house, your potato salad can give botulism to all your friends and relatives. You’re welcome for the tip.
Hibernation Season
This starts directly after July Fourth. Everyone hides out in the house with the air conditioning running full blast. It makes ERCOT mad and your local Electric Coop oh so happy. Just when you can take the heat no more, a magical thing happens. Somebody breaks out the pumpkin spice and Fall is on.
Season of the Witch
This season isn’t as famous as some of the others because, well, I invented it. It starts on October 1st and runs through October 31st when there is a giant birthday party and lots of presents for just me. Hey, it’s more fun than complaining that summer still isn’t over.
Over-Indulgence Season
Buy too many gifts, drink too much eggnog and eat everything in sight. So really, the Season of the Witch is the official start to Over-Indulgence, making this is a great time of year. You can even go back out on your porch again.
And finally, the very worst season of all:
Hunker Down Season
First off, all of a sudden it gets cold. I mean really cold. Drip the pipes cold. Everyone groans and complains while we suffer through four whole freezing days. And, horror of horrors, it means you must wear a coat if you dare go outside. Mostly we stay inside to avoid all the Evil Cedar Pollen blowing merrily through the Hills and into every crack in your house. You give up breathing until Valentine’s Day and then you start the seasons all over again.
Next week, we’ll be discussing the infamous Hill Country Rocks.