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February 8, 2024
But Why?
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
I’m finally settling in My Future Husband’s ranch, meaning I’m taking over the world! Actually, there’s one wall I’ve got my eye on. I’m going to pronounce it my Wall of Wonders, because it’s a wonder I’m still here at all.
You see, I have three boxes of photos in fancy picture frames leftover from the highfalutin North Dallas days. I found three different 8 X 10 “professional” photos of myself. I’d say they’re about 10 years apart – one’s hot, one’s sexy business, and the last is wow, I see hints of getting really old coming because that hair dye’s making me look like Bozo.
I’ve been pondering these three photos for my Wall of Wonders. Why? I don’t know why, but is that too arrogant? Will it make me look in the mirror and scream after seeing younger me hanging around? Will it make My Future Husband think, “Gee, she was good in her day but it’s nighttime now?”
But before I could find the picture hangers to start on the Wall of Wonders, I started thinking about other “why’s” in this world. Let’s wonder together.
Why should we scream “Noooooo!” every time we spill something? Is it really the end of the world? If it is, I’d like to invite Bounce to the next United Nations Summit so a roll of paper towels can sop up our messes.
Why does some big advertising agency think it’s a good idea to advertise stomach medicine by showing normal people just sitting around on toilets? The toilet seat lid is closed, but still. I keep waiting for a bear to pop out of one of those porcelain wonders and hand somebody a roll of two-ply paper.
Why don’t you people believe the FBI can always get their man? I’ve long said, “Don’t mess around with the FBI. Those agents can take you down in a nano-second. Haven’t you seen Men in Black?” Luckily, networks now have four FBI shows and plenty of reruns to prove my point.
Why don’t men understand why it’s so important to have a pair of shoes that perfectly matches your outfit? And maybe that’s why you have so many pairs. There are so many colors! And styles! And fun little padded innersoles that make them still comfortable for old women! What’s not to understand?
Why is Queso always yellow? And why are Margaritas always green?
Why do people think watching reruns is a problem? At my age, every one is a new episode and Tony DiNozzo never ages, though I’ve been kind of worried about Tom Selleck lately.
Why do they make us do a fasting blood test? Fasting is an evil thing because as soon as you can’t eat or drink, what do you want to do? And why, after said blood test, do we run to the nearest donut shop and order one of everything like we haven’t eaten in a year? I think it’s all those diets we’ve been on. Why was there a grapefruit diet to begin with and why did we all go on it in ninth grade?
And my last why is simple. Why do prescription drugs have side effects that make us sing and dance on television? Not fair. We were promised flashbacks, Dude.
You see, I have three boxes of photos in fancy picture frames leftover from the highfalutin North Dallas days. I found three different 8 X 10 “professional” photos of myself. I’d say they’re about 10 years apart – one’s hot, one’s sexy business, and the last is wow, I see hints of getting really old coming because that hair dye’s making me look like Bozo.
I’ve been pondering these three photos for my Wall of Wonders. Why? I don’t know why, but is that too arrogant? Will it make me look in the mirror and scream after seeing younger me hanging around? Will it make My Future Husband think, “Gee, she was good in her day but it’s nighttime now?”
But before I could find the picture hangers to start on the Wall of Wonders, I started thinking about other “why’s” in this world. Let’s wonder together.
Why should we scream “Noooooo!” every time we spill something? Is it really the end of the world? If it is, I’d like to invite Bounce to the next United Nations Summit so a roll of paper towels can sop up our messes.
Why does some big advertising agency think it’s a good idea to advertise stomach medicine by showing normal people just sitting around on toilets? The toilet seat lid is closed, but still. I keep waiting for a bear to pop out of one of those porcelain wonders and hand somebody a roll of two-ply paper.
Why don’t you people believe the FBI can always get their man? I’ve long said, “Don’t mess around with the FBI. Those agents can take you down in a nano-second. Haven’t you seen Men in Black?” Luckily, networks now have four FBI shows and plenty of reruns to prove my point.
Why don’t men understand why it’s so important to have a pair of shoes that perfectly matches your outfit? And maybe that’s why you have so many pairs. There are so many colors! And styles! And fun little padded innersoles that make them still comfortable for old women! What’s not to understand?
Why is Queso always yellow? And why are Margaritas always green?
Why do people think watching reruns is a problem? At my age, every one is a new episode and Tony DiNozzo never ages, though I’ve been kind of worried about Tom Selleck lately.
Why do they make us do a fasting blood test? Fasting is an evil thing because as soon as you can’t eat or drink, what do you want to do? And why, after said blood test, do we run to the nearest donut shop and order one of everything like we haven’t eaten in a year? I think it’s all those diets we’ve been on. Why was there a grapefruit diet to begin with and why did we all go on it in ninth grade?
And my last why is simple. Why do prescription drugs have side effects that make us sing and dance on television? Not fair. We were promised flashbacks, Dude.