March 1, 2024
I Need Back Up
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
It can be tough to be funny every week. Sometimes life goes along just fine. I guess even funny needs a vacation occasionally. But fear not! For those times when I need a good laugh, I just go look in the mirror at that old woman staring back at me. She’s sure funny – looking.
In those dark days of normalcy, I can always rely on my trusty free metal lunchbox that was given to me by the French Paper Company. Luckily, it didn’t come with paper pictures of croissants. It came with paper samples, which are long gone. I named this lunchbox, “I Create It” because at some point or other, I read a self-help book on creating your own destiny, life, hot boyfriend, whatever. I’m getting too old to create much new anymore, except for these silly columns, so I guess there’s that.
This week I decided to clean out all the little notes I had and share them with you. Think of it as Random Mini-Thoughts. Let’s check on my weird brain together.
Blind Leading The Blind
I’ve worn contact lenses since eighth grade, but I take them out in the evenings when my eyes get sick of having two hard pieces of plastic stuck in them. Then I pull out my glasses. The problem is, these glasses are for seeing across the room to the TV, not for reading up close, so I keep taking them off to read. Then I wander off until I realize I really can’t see. Then I have a heck of a time finding my glasses, because I can’t see. So, I’ve come up with a brilliant idea. I need glasses that glow in the dark and start beeping when you put them down. Then I can stumble towards the sound of my beeping, glowing glasses. Can AI make up a prototype?
Infamous Author
I have a title for a book in my head and on a piece of paper in my ICI box. “The Ladies of Volunteerville” with a subtitle: A Handy Guide to Volunteering – by the way, you can use this book as a weapon.
Why I’m Old
All of the sudden, QR codes are popping up everywhere. Scan this code to get all the events for Fiesta! Scan this code to find a doctor in your area! Scan this code just to see if you’ll really fall for it! Nope. I’m not. I refuse to find my phone, get up off the couch and dash to the TV to try to center the QR code when suddenly I’m in the middle of a commercial with bears dancing around toilet paper. I don’t care what those weird little boxes say. I’m anti-QR.
Resort Rules
There was a sign posted at local “resort” by the pool. “Remain Clothed at all times. No Nakedness or Lewd Behavior will be tolerated.” I left then and there. I mean really.
But most important of all are the following keen observations:
Old Dude Proverbs
Fresh to us is a can of beans bought on Saturday.
Life is so good around here I don’t even need pie anymore.
The last DNA on my trailer hitch was his.
How to make $200,000 a year with just a Bluetooth and an imagination.
I laughed so hard I lost weight.
That last one is my favorite. Do something funny this week. It’ll do you good.
In those dark days of normalcy, I can always rely on my trusty free metal lunchbox that was given to me by the French Paper Company. Luckily, it didn’t come with paper pictures of croissants. It came with paper samples, which are long gone. I named this lunchbox, “I Create It” because at some point or other, I read a self-help book on creating your own destiny, life, hot boyfriend, whatever. I’m getting too old to create much new anymore, except for these silly columns, so I guess there’s that.
This week I decided to clean out all the little notes I had and share them with you. Think of it as Random Mini-Thoughts. Let’s check on my weird brain together.
Blind Leading The Blind
I’ve worn contact lenses since eighth grade, but I take them out in the evenings when my eyes get sick of having two hard pieces of plastic stuck in them. Then I pull out my glasses. The problem is, these glasses are for seeing across the room to the TV, not for reading up close, so I keep taking them off to read. Then I wander off until I realize I really can’t see. Then I have a heck of a time finding my glasses, because I can’t see. So, I’ve come up with a brilliant idea. I need glasses that glow in the dark and start beeping when you put them down. Then I can stumble towards the sound of my beeping, glowing glasses. Can AI make up a prototype?
Infamous Author
I have a title for a book in my head and on a piece of paper in my ICI box. “The Ladies of Volunteerville” with a subtitle: A Handy Guide to Volunteering – by the way, you can use this book as a weapon.
Why I’m Old
All of the sudden, QR codes are popping up everywhere. Scan this code to get all the events for Fiesta! Scan this code to find a doctor in your area! Scan this code just to see if you’ll really fall for it! Nope. I’m not. I refuse to find my phone, get up off the couch and dash to the TV to try to center the QR code when suddenly I’m in the middle of a commercial with bears dancing around toilet paper. I don’t care what those weird little boxes say. I’m anti-QR.
Resort Rules
There was a sign posted at local “resort” by the pool. “Remain Clothed at all times. No Nakedness or Lewd Behavior will be tolerated.” I left then and there. I mean really.
But most important of all are the following keen observations:
Old Dude Proverbs
Fresh to us is a can of beans bought on Saturday.
Life is so good around here I don’t even need pie anymore.
The last DNA on my trailer hitch was his.
How to make $200,000 a year with just a Bluetooth and an imagination.
I laughed so hard I lost weight.
That last one is my favorite. Do something funny this week. It’ll do you good.