April 4, 2024
Random Spring Thoughts
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
My head’s about to explode, so I need to get all the crazy thoughts out of my little brain. Let’s crack it open, shall we? Might turn into a full blown eclipse.
Sheet Folding Police
I saw one of those evil “Make Everything Perfectly Folded” people on TV the other day. Why are there even people like that? I call them all Martha Wannabees. Anyway, Little Miss Organized was demonstrating how to fold a fitted sheet. Again, it looked like the easiest thing in the world. But I’ve been tricked before, and I simply can’t fold a fitted sheet without making it look like it’s just been attacked by a pack of wild teenage boys. Luckily, I’ve reached the age where I really don’t care. I’ve never seen Sheet Folding Police and I doubt my bad folding is going on my permanent record. Let me give you my folding tip: wad it up and stuff it in a drawer. The End.
I’ll Stick with Owens
Can someone please tell the CEO of Jimmy Dean Sausage that’s Jimmy’s been dead since 2014? You know, I think there’s a whole new generation that thinks he’s alive and really likes his sausage. Frankly, Jimmy, you’re giving me the willies. Knock it off and go fold some sheets in heaven.
You’re Not Going Out of the House Wearing That
Dearly Demented Mom would not allow me to wear a dress with seams that didn’t match. Today, the local morning news weather and traffic girls not only don’t wear anything with matching seams, they all dress like hookers. Cocktail and party dresses galore. I think one TV station got complaints and hired a clothing consultant because now all those gals still wear the same plunging necklines, but they cover it up with a jacket. Evidently, if you put a woman in a business jacket, she’s legit. Wonder if she can fold a fitted sheet?
March Madness
The madness to me is that millions of perfectly normal people go quite insane when it comes to their bracket and figuring out how they can win whatever prize you win, even if it’s only bragging rights. Well, I checked and after the first two days of March Madness, everyone’s bracket was busted. I could hear the crash all the way out here on the ranch. I’d say the madness is those millions of people who’ve worried so hard about their brackets. I bet at least a couple of them can fold a sheet perfectly, though.
Fred Astaire Has Competition
I have a burning question that keeps me awake at night – why do drugs make you dance? Most of the prescription drug commercials have catchy songs and a bunch of older, overweight dancers whom I’m jealous of because I can no longer move that way. Is it the drugs that make them so peppy? If so, I want some. Say, do you think there’s a drug that’ll help you fold a fitted sheet? If the side effects are making you sleepy, I’m in.
Total Solar Eclipse
Man, you’d think it’s the end of the world around here. We are all preparing for the onslaught of a gazillion people descending on every road, gas station, grocery store and parking lot in South Texas. Sounds like Doomsday to me. My question is, why is my grocery store totally sold out of bread, but they have plenty of toilet paper? What about perfectly folded sheets?
Gotta run. The Sheet Folding Police are here searching for folded sheets and drugs. Don’t worry, I’m dressed like a hooker, there are busted brackets all over the house, and I’ve got Jimmy Dean for back up.
Sheet Folding Police
I saw one of those evil “Make Everything Perfectly Folded” people on TV the other day. Why are there even people like that? I call them all Martha Wannabees. Anyway, Little Miss Organized was demonstrating how to fold a fitted sheet. Again, it looked like the easiest thing in the world. But I’ve been tricked before, and I simply can’t fold a fitted sheet without making it look like it’s just been attacked by a pack of wild teenage boys. Luckily, I’ve reached the age where I really don’t care. I’ve never seen Sheet Folding Police and I doubt my bad folding is going on my permanent record. Let me give you my folding tip: wad it up and stuff it in a drawer. The End.
I’ll Stick with Owens
Can someone please tell the CEO of Jimmy Dean Sausage that’s Jimmy’s been dead since 2014? You know, I think there’s a whole new generation that thinks he’s alive and really likes his sausage. Frankly, Jimmy, you’re giving me the willies. Knock it off and go fold some sheets in heaven.
You’re Not Going Out of the House Wearing That
Dearly Demented Mom would not allow me to wear a dress with seams that didn’t match. Today, the local morning news weather and traffic girls not only don’t wear anything with matching seams, they all dress like hookers. Cocktail and party dresses galore. I think one TV station got complaints and hired a clothing consultant because now all those gals still wear the same plunging necklines, but they cover it up with a jacket. Evidently, if you put a woman in a business jacket, she’s legit. Wonder if she can fold a fitted sheet?
March Madness
The madness to me is that millions of perfectly normal people go quite insane when it comes to their bracket and figuring out how they can win whatever prize you win, even if it’s only bragging rights. Well, I checked and after the first two days of March Madness, everyone’s bracket was busted. I could hear the crash all the way out here on the ranch. I’d say the madness is those millions of people who’ve worried so hard about their brackets. I bet at least a couple of them can fold a sheet perfectly, though.
Fred Astaire Has Competition
I have a burning question that keeps me awake at night – why do drugs make you dance? Most of the prescription drug commercials have catchy songs and a bunch of older, overweight dancers whom I’m jealous of because I can no longer move that way. Is it the drugs that make them so peppy? If so, I want some. Say, do you think there’s a drug that’ll help you fold a fitted sheet? If the side effects are making you sleepy, I’m in.
Total Solar Eclipse
Man, you’d think it’s the end of the world around here. We are all preparing for the onslaught of a gazillion people descending on every road, gas station, grocery store and parking lot in South Texas. Sounds like Doomsday to me. My question is, why is my grocery store totally sold out of bread, but they have plenty of toilet paper? What about perfectly folded sheets?
Gotta run. The Sheet Folding Police are here searching for folded sheets and drugs. Don’t worry, I’m dressed like a hooker, there are busted brackets all over the house, and I’ve got Jimmy Dean for back up.