April 18, 2024
The Best of the Worst
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
Being a former disc jockey, I have great respect for those TV announcers who have the best job of all - announcing upcoming Made for TV movies. I call them “Pukers” because they puke out the words: “Saturday, the latest Lifetime Movie – Death (puke) Saved (puke) MY Life. (double puke.) This would probably sound funnier if I had a Podcast.
Anyway, the Announcers who crack me up the most are the ones who do those infamous Lifetime Movies. I always laugh at the titles and say, “I’d never watch something like that!” to anyone listening. But no one ever listens. To honor these hardworking announcers, I’d like to take a deeper dive into those wacky movie titles they get to sell.
Stalked By My Doctor
This must be a young woman being stalked. At this point, Baby Boomers have so many doctors, who’d want to be stalked by that bit a group of specialists anyway? And how sexy does a seventyish something person look in a hospital gown anyway?
Secrets of a Gold Digger Killer
Evidently, she’s a real hot babe who’s 24 and he’s a 97-year-old millionaire with a really high fever. And yes, I’d like to know her secrets. I’m still a relatively cute young thing to a 97-year-old. Plus, I can cook.
Killer Prom
I guess it depends on who your date is. Or if anyone asks you to dance. I just can’t believe they’d do a show about spiking the punch with rat poison. These kids need to stick to cherry vodka.
Newlywed and Dead
Frankly, it must have been a really lousy wedding if somebody ends up dead. Do you think it was the flavor of the wedding cake? Maybe cheap champagne? I bet the ex-girlfriend shows up and the bride just happens to know the ex is allergic to shrimp and peanuts, so the bride serves her boiled shrimp with a nice peanut sauce. I think I’m starting to think like a Lifetime writer.
Who’s Killing the Cheerleaders?
Frankly, no one cares. Those girls are stuck up anyway.
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?
I’m hopeful that Danger is the name of the family chihuahua, but the picture on the trailer shows the guy holding an axe and his mom and his (soon to be ex) girlfriend don’t look very happy about Beaver the Cleaver.
I Me Wed
Obviously, this bride has issues. More than one personality? Bad LSD trip? Has never had a date her whole life? I mean, what’s the divorce decree going to look like?
From Straight A’s to XXX
I can only assume this smart young woman gained a bunch of weight and now weighs enough to wear 3X’s? Come to think of it, that may not be right.
Psycho Sister-in-Law
I’m not scared. I have one of those, too. My advice? Just don’t ever go near her ever. Especially just before you take a shower.
But my favorite of all is:
Deranged Granny
I’m pretty sure I should watch this one because I’m wondering what I can get away with. I might have spent too much at the plant nursery. But no worries. I’m deranged! I refuse to wear my bra anymore, even in public. It’s okay because I’m deranged! I write silly columns about Lifetime Movies.
Yep, you got it. Deranged.
Anyway, the Announcers who crack me up the most are the ones who do those infamous Lifetime Movies. I always laugh at the titles and say, “I’d never watch something like that!” to anyone listening. But no one ever listens. To honor these hardworking announcers, I’d like to take a deeper dive into those wacky movie titles they get to sell.
Stalked By My Doctor
This must be a young woman being stalked. At this point, Baby Boomers have so many doctors, who’d want to be stalked by that bit a group of specialists anyway? And how sexy does a seventyish something person look in a hospital gown anyway?
Secrets of a Gold Digger Killer
Evidently, she’s a real hot babe who’s 24 and he’s a 97-year-old millionaire with a really high fever. And yes, I’d like to know her secrets. I’m still a relatively cute young thing to a 97-year-old. Plus, I can cook.
Killer Prom
I guess it depends on who your date is. Or if anyone asks you to dance. I just can’t believe they’d do a show about spiking the punch with rat poison. These kids need to stick to cherry vodka.
Newlywed and Dead
Frankly, it must have been a really lousy wedding if somebody ends up dead. Do you think it was the flavor of the wedding cake? Maybe cheap champagne? I bet the ex-girlfriend shows up and the bride just happens to know the ex is allergic to shrimp and peanuts, so the bride serves her boiled shrimp with a nice peanut sauce. I think I’m starting to think like a Lifetime writer.
Who’s Killing the Cheerleaders?
Frankly, no one cares. Those girls are stuck up anyway.
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?
I’m hopeful that Danger is the name of the family chihuahua, but the picture on the trailer shows the guy holding an axe and his mom and his (soon to be ex) girlfriend don’t look very happy about Beaver the Cleaver.
I Me Wed
Obviously, this bride has issues. More than one personality? Bad LSD trip? Has never had a date her whole life? I mean, what’s the divorce decree going to look like?
From Straight A’s to XXX
I can only assume this smart young woman gained a bunch of weight and now weighs enough to wear 3X’s? Come to think of it, that may not be right.
Psycho Sister-in-Law
I’m not scared. I have one of those, too. My advice? Just don’t ever go near her ever. Especially just before you take a shower.
But my favorite of all is:
Deranged Granny
I’m pretty sure I should watch this one because I’m wondering what I can get away with. I might have spent too much at the plant nursery. But no worries. I’m deranged! I refuse to wear my bra anymore, even in public. It’s okay because I’m deranged! I write silly columns about Lifetime Movies.
Yep, you got it. Deranged.