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May 30, 2024
My Present to You
By Mikie Baker
The Bandera Prophet
The hot summer months are upon us, so what’s better than sitting in the A/C and completing your Christmas Shopping List? Isn’t there a Black Friday thingy in July? So, procrastinators unite! This year let’s buy fabulous gifts, at bargain prices in July. Then wrap them early and even we won’t remember what we bought!
For this tough assignment, I have dedicatedly scoured Amazon and culled down the selections to the special Christmas gifts they will talk about for years. Grab a pen, paper, and some wine and pay attention.
In an Emotional Pickle?
There’s always that one family member who’s invariably gets into a pickle and I’ve got the perfect gift: “The Emotional Support Pickled Cucumber with Encouraging Card Inspirational Knitted.” I had to quote it because the name is so ridiculous. But think about it. Who doesn’t get great emotional support from a pickle? It’s the real dill. Grab this for your favorite Sour Puss.
To Be or Not to Be
Everyone that loves English should have their own Shakespearean Insult Bandages, shouldn’t they? Each Band-Aid has a great quote – you know like, “Thy wit’s as thick as Tewksbury mustard.” Oh, stop! I can’t quit laughing! Here’s another terrific one: “Thy breath stinks with eating toasted cheese.” Toasted cheese? Didn’t they outlaw that years ago? Maybe this gift is Not to Be after all.
Good? Well, it Depends
Archie McFee’s Emergency Underpants Adult Diaper is for those always on the go. In fact, the illustration of Archie shows a man with a hat, a bow tie, and only a pair of snazzy adult diapers while sporting his bellybutton like those people who are also too busy to get dressed in the morning. Luckily, they are safe, sanitary, and secure plus there’s 5 pairs so all you do is “grab and go!” I won’t even touch that line.
Yard Art
Is your backyard boring? Just a manicured lawn, some pretty flowers, and trees? Well, Buddy, why not spice it up with the Evil Banana Man Outdoor Gardening Statues? These 8 foot lawn ornaments are perfect housewarming gifts. You can pick from a long Dachshund Dog Banana, a Yellow Banana Duck, A Crazy Man Banana, a Flashing Banana half unpeeled (you figure it out) and of course, the 8 foot naked girl gnome wearing a hat, sunglasses, flip flops and nothing else. She’s not even holding a banana so obviously this company has no sense of humor.
Color Me Hysterical
My Very Best Friend likes puzzles and coloring books, so I’ve got the perfect gift for her: Creatures of Walmart Coloring Book, or as it’s described, “an epic adult coloring book filled with original and intricate art.” I’ll say it’s original. Have you ever seen a WalMartian?
Loafing Around
Feeling lonely and really love bread? Lucky you! Ask someone to buy you the Bread Shaped Plush Pillow. Basically, it looks like a big loaf of crusty bread or as they describe it: “Soft Butter Toast Bread Food Cushion Stuffed Toy for Home Décor.” Sure! It will match my KitchenAid Mixer Chair! And the Cutting Board Table! And my house will smell wonderful all the time. All rise for the Bread Pillow!
Don’t have time to tell you about the Gangster Dancing Hot Dog or the Emotional Support Fries - they don’t even come with ketchup. Suffice it to say, we’ve covered some very important information today, so get cracking. I’m adding Shakespeare’s Band-Aids, the Underpants, and the Naked Gnome Yard Art to my cart. Maybe the Bard and I can make a decent woman out of her.
For this tough assignment, I have dedicatedly scoured Amazon and culled down the selections to the special Christmas gifts they will talk about for years. Grab a pen, paper, and some wine and pay attention.
In an Emotional Pickle?
There’s always that one family member who’s invariably gets into a pickle and I’ve got the perfect gift: “The Emotional Support Pickled Cucumber with Encouraging Card Inspirational Knitted.” I had to quote it because the name is so ridiculous. But think about it. Who doesn’t get great emotional support from a pickle? It’s the real dill. Grab this for your favorite Sour Puss.
To Be or Not to Be
Everyone that loves English should have their own Shakespearean Insult Bandages, shouldn’t they? Each Band-Aid has a great quote – you know like, “Thy wit’s as thick as Tewksbury mustard.” Oh, stop! I can’t quit laughing! Here’s another terrific one: “Thy breath stinks with eating toasted cheese.” Toasted cheese? Didn’t they outlaw that years ago? Maybe this gift is Not to Be after all.
Good? Well, it Depends
Archie McFee’s Emergency Underpants Adult Diaper is for those always on the go. In fact, the illustration of Archie shows a man with a hat, a bow tie, and only a pair of snazzy adult diapers while sporting his bellybutton like those people who are also too busy to get dressed in the morning. Luckily, they are safe, sanitary, and secure plus there’s 5 pairs so all you do is “grab and go!” I won’t even touch that line.
Yard Art
Is your backyard boring? Just a manicured lawn, some pretty flowers, and trees? Well, Buddy, why not spice it up with the Evil Banana Man Outdoor Gardening Statues? These 8 foot lawn ornaments are perfect housewarming gifts. You can pick from a long Dachshund Dog Banana, a Yellow Banana Duck, A Crazy Man Banana, a Flashing Banana half unpeeled (you figure it out) and of course, the 8 foot naked girl gnome wearing a hat, sunglasses, flip flops and nothing else. She’s not even holding a banana so obviously this company has no sense of humor.
Color Me Hysterical
My Very Best Friend likes puzzles and coloring books, so I’ve got the perfect gift for her: Creatures of Walmart Coloring Book, or as it’s described, “an epic adult coloring book filled with original and intricate art.” I’ll say it’s original. Have you ever seen a WalMartian?
Loafing Around
Feeling lonely and really love bread? Lucky you! Ask someone to buy you the Bread Shaped Plush Pillow. Basically, it looks like a big loaf of crusty bread or as they describe it: “Soft Butter Toast Bread Food Cushion Stuffed Toy for Home Décor.” Sure! It will match my KitchenAid Mixer Chair! And the Cutting Board Table! And my house will smell wonderful all the time. All rise for the Bread Pillow!
Don’t have time to tell you about the Gangster Dancing Hot Dog or the Emotional Support Fries - they don’t even come with ketchup. Suffice it to say, we’ve covered some very important information today, so get cracking. I’m adding Shakespeare’s Band-Aids, the Underpants, and the Naked Gnome Yard Art to my cart. Maybe the Bard and I can make a decent woman out of her.